Why Do I Beat Myself Up So Much
Why do we alcoholics either tend to be in complete denial about our short comings or we pick up the cat of nine tails and swat our own backs till we bleed. Lets face it most addicts suffer from self-loathing while they are in their addiction. And I know for a fact that old habits die hard as a matter of fact they never really die. We just build healthy bridges over the sick roads of addiction called our brains neural-pathways. I believe that’s why so many of us relapse, we take one wrong turn and we are back on the road toward self annihilation
Okay that’s totally negative yes but unfortunately it’s true in many cases. So I have personally set some ideas to memory. First rule, I always have a choice. Nobody takes my free will away from me short of me being kidnapped, beaten and forced to drink which is doubtful to happen. Next I make a rule that when I start getting into the beat-Lori-up psychological game I get up, put on my shoes and take a walk. Or I clean the house, or I write an article but I definitely “move a muscle and change a thought”. Next I must remember that perfectionism is a character flaw of mine and I have no right to play God by saying I should be perfect. My creator made me with human flaws. I strive to do good but I must remember and accept that I need to give myself a break cause I am human.
But why do we have the tendency to spank and scream at ourselves psychologically? In my own case I surmise from years of deep meditation and spiritually boosted self-awareness that my subconscious believes that if I spank myself when I mess up or don’t do things exactly the way I meant to then the beating will make me do better. The beating will somehow fix me and correct my human-ness. Remember our hearts and egos do not have to be logical or make sense to our intellect. We should not allow our intellect to invalidate our hearts thoughts and what it needs to express by calling it illogical. Our deep seeded ideals of beating ourselves up as a solution to being human most likely stems from getting spanked and put down by my parents and older sister during the formidable years.
Lets face it all childhood punishment really did for me and the women I have talked to about it is breed emotionally sick little children. And hey yes the adults knew no better but that does not change the fact that I need an outlet for my emotions and I needed to learn new healthy ways to express my feelings. Repressing emotions is no longer a viable option. Writing is a top priority for me and the next best thing to sharing with other women or in a meeting. Many of the men in AA seem to think that if we women write one sentence in a fourth step about our deep and savage feelings it will somehow fix us…right. And I am only talking about emotional neglect, where abuse is involved there is even more urgency to learn to emotionally process. It’s either that or go back or or put a bullet in our mouth which many sober addicts turn to unfortunately. When I say “savage feelings” I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about.
When I am in step eleven meditation I give myself positive affirmations which also help me remember I am good.