WHY AN A.A. MEMBER RESENTS THE HELL OUT OF A.A.

This is not an anti A.A. website, please randomly read any article and you will see that.  However XXX Anonymous is a friend of RFH and we have allowed her to vent in an article.  If you have some helpful feedback please post it at the bottom of the article.

AN AA MEMBER WRITES “WHY I RESENT THE HELL OUT OF A.A.”

 

My name is XXX Anonymous and I am an alcoholic.  I have struggled to stay sober for years.  I have tried and tried beating myself up all along the way.  Once I got ten years sober from an intense born-again spiritual experience in a church.  Well I am still born-again and love Christ but I have relapsed 8 times since that experience.  I am not trying to compare which is better church or AA because I have learned that 2 good things are 2 good things.  They don’t cancel each other out and they are not in a race or competition.  I also learned that the 3 things people use to stay sober are spirituality in what-ever way we can get it, therapy, and AA.  I do know that health issues can keep a person sober and “relationships” sometimes work.

Resentment

I got sober this time on April 18, 2015.  I know for a fact that I have exactly 100 days sober or 3 months 9 days sober, or  0.27 years sober due to the sobriety calculator on this site.  Big deal!  I do hate myself for not having more clean time!!!!  Well this is what happened.

BETRAYAL
I got a sponsor who helped me so much that I had nearly a year sober.  I brought her to my house and introduced her to my family and husband.  Come to find out she has a lesser secondary addiction called “SEX ADDICTION“.  Which okay  I don’t judge her for that but It really hurt me that my sponsor betrayed me like that.   I did fire her and get a new one.
Condemnation from my fellows

So I worked through the betrayal and then my doctor who knows I am an addict put me on a medication for pain.  I had a bad accident and the pain was causing me to stay in bed.  When I told one or two of my friends in the program about it they told others and then the whole group knew. (another betrayal)   If that wasn’t bad enough a women confronted me when I picked up my medallion.   She said “your not sober your on the prescription drug bla bla bla”.  I had no idea that drug addicts are known to abuse the drug my doctor put me on.

FAKE PEOPLE

I get tired of so many people in meetings pretending that their lives are the picture of serenity.  They never have any problems or struggles or emotional issues.  They get sober and then all is well and perfect.  That’s not the way that it is for me.  And I don’t believe it is for them either.  I know normal people who have day to day struggles.  I know alcoholics that have day to day struggles why do they think they have to portray a perfect life?  That makes me feel lesser than.  It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.   And I feel like the way that I work the 12 step program must be wrong because I do have difficulties and temptations and sad days and stress and anxiety.  Yes I have good days too and lots of them sober but I didn’t join AA so I could be a social icon who everyone wishes they were because I am perfect.  ridiculous that’s why I appreciate Recovery Farmhouse because it portrays real life recovery not some fake bullshit perfect life.  Work the steps once then its happy joyous and free all the time, right?

I SOMETIMES GET RESENTMENTS SO I GOT AN “F” ON MY RECOVERY TEST/REPORT CARD

Really?  The AA club I go to acts like if you ever get a resentment then you failed your test in recovery, you got an ‘F’ on your sobriety report card.  But really in real life everybody gets pissed off at people and has to pray for them until the resentment is finally gone.  So why do so many members want to make AA a place where you can’t be honest about short-comings or you will be dis-fellowshiped or labelled as spiritually un-fit?

That’s it.  These are the reasons I resent AA at the moment.  My sponsor says you can’t get recovery while you look down your nose at it.  She says pray for everyone and do a fourth step to figure out why I am mad at myself and God.

I WON’T LET THESE THINGS PUSH ME OUT OF A.A.

I still go to meetings.  I won’t stop because it’s the best thing I can do to stay sober and work the steps.  I keep  meeting new people so eventually maybe I will find people who don’t portray perfection and the perfect life.  Because in A,A. seems there are two types of people.  Perfect people, and totally worthless people.  Right now you see my problem?  These people don’t know the definition of balance.

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

I want to thank Laura Edgar for publish this article on her website.  She said that all aspects of A.A. are allowed on this website and no one will be excluded as long as they are in alignment with the “singleness of purpose” declaration which is “the only requirement for membership IS a desire to stop drinking.”  And to “carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”  Thank God that Bill and Bob knew better than to make a bunch of membership requirements.  They were the right men for the job weren’t they,

By XXX Anonymous

 

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent

It’s Normal and Common To be Sad In Recovery For No Apparent Reason

Well the common consensus in AA is if your not happy, joyous, and free then it’s your own fault.  Your obviously not working the program right or you would be ecstatic with joy at least most of the time, right?  On the contrary,  many of us are so desperate to allow some of our long repressed grief to escape that we will latch-on to any sorrowful event no matter how far removed from us it really is, just to have something “valid” in the eyes of our fellows to grieve about. Please I need to let out some of this repressed emotional pain!

Someone dies in the program and we don’t even know them much more than a distant hello, but it’s an opportunity for a “valid” expression of grief so we grab onto it with the rest of our home-group who barely knew the guy.  Hey, maybe some of the people really are sad the fellow died…but I kinda doubt it.

WE DO NOT NEED A REASON TO LET OUT OUR PAIN. THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DEATH OR LOSS FOR US TO FEEL INTENSE EMOTIONAL HURT.  THE ONLY “VALID REASON” WE NEED TO EXPRESS PAIN IS, THERE ARE MANY THINGS WHILE  IN OUR ADDICTION WE SHOULD HAVE CRIED ABOUT AND DIDN’T.  THAT REPRESSED PAIN DOES NOT GO AWAY, IT NEEDS TO BE LET-OUT.  AND IF WE IDENTIFY THE CORE SOURCE OF OUR PAIN DURING THE VENTING AND EXPRESSION, THEN ALL THE BETTER FOR OUR HEALING.

In this human life there are many things to grieve over.  Sickness, disease, loneliness, emotional disorder, loss.  Please be kind to yourself.  If your heart is screaming to cry, we must not turn it to anger and criticism it does not get released or healed that way.    Rather, we have the steps to help us to be restored to emotional balance and peace of mind.

Quality emotional sobriety has many faces and sadness for no apparent reason is one of them.  Your not in recovery if you don’t feel hurt and sad or scared for no apparent reason.    Most of the people telling us we are supposed to be happy all of the time have no idea what emotional balance really looks or feels like.  Crying is a healthy emotion.  Grieving is a healthy emotion and there does not have to be a death for us to feel real grief.  Especially in recovery because many of us didn’t grieve or feel our pain while in addiction.  We stuffed it down and now that we are sober it is surfacing.  We may need to grieve when there is seemingly nothing going on except the fact that we are recovering from an emotional trauma. 

I am validating you now.  It’s OK to grieve when no one has died.  It’s OK to cry when we see no apparent reason.  We should honor our feelings.  Honor our heart when it talks to us.  We do not let our feelings rule over us or paralyze us.  but neither do we continue to ignore, deny, invalidate our own hearts cry.

HOW DO WE GRIEVE?

Healthy grieving will prevent morbid reflection because it gets the pain out.  Morbid reflection is when the negative tape won’t stop playing in our head.  Doing a fourth step on recurring memories works fabulously as does revisiting our Step 3.  “That’s right, God has my back and I am forgiven”.

To grieve, we cry, we write, we share our feelings with someone who WON’T SHUT US DOWN OR INVALIDATE OUR PAIN.  We grieve to the emphatic person who understands and won’t call our grieving a character defect like self-pity. A good cry can release many relaxing endorphin and the vital chemical dopamine.  A good cry can put our brain chemicals back on track.

Our Brain Will Heal

Don’t believe for a minute that your brain can’t be healed and create it’s own endorphin and dopamine.  I have read and heard it said but my experience is that feel good chemicals can go into over-drive in recovery.  Cut down on your smoking for a day or two and then see what happens when you do have say 4 cigarettes a day.  OMG!  Not to mention sex and orgasms are always best in early recovery from my experience.

If you don’t get the 2016 red Ford Mustang that you wanted and are throwing a hissy fit over it, well that would be self-pity.  but if you are feeling deep emotional pain and sorrow yet nothing is going on then write.  The core issues will surface.  Often when an emotional trauma from the past is surfacing we will have a recurring memory attached to the pain.  Normally we cast the thought aside but we should explore the thought instead.  Recurring memories are signalling us to do some work in that area of our past.  Were we wronged?  If it’s a memory from our childhood we should picture ourselves as a child, not as an adult who says “get over it!”  When we picture ourselves as a child then we have more understanding toward our feelings and what we may have gone through at a young age.  Then we can allow ourselves to cry over it.  We were harmed.  We were neglected emotionally.  Our parents most likely had no idea how to emotionally nurture us.  It doesn’t mean they didn’t love us dearly.

We can’t heal while we stay in defensive mode

PLEASE, THERE IS A REASON WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO NUMB OUR FEELINGS FOR YEARS ON END.  IT DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE BAD OR OUR PARENTS ARE BAD.

If we stay defensive of everything and every one we will never get to our core issues because we will be too busy trying to shoot down any semblance of guilt in us or the adults who raised us.  We cannot see clearly when we are too busy holding walls up around us which are blocking our view of truth.  Truth is our healer.  Truth is our friend.  Unlike our past, in recovery the lie becomes the enemy and truth becomes our protector.  The lie doesn’t protect us it harms us.  Character defects do not protect us from others but rather they shut out Love and Truth which are the magic gifts of recovery.  Truth and Love are spiritual gifts, they are magic.

I used to think that character defects hurt others.  That if I engaged in them it would hurt other people.  But character flaws hurt me first and foremost.

Please self-pity is not the same as valid emotion.  Self-pity is pouting over not getting our way.  I know it is so similar to authentic pain of loss that many AA’s really don’t know the difference.  But if you do the journalling you will quickly find out what is really going on with your heart.  Many times the pen is like magic.  It reveals our reasons for grief and sadness.

Lastly

Being afraid is part of the human condition and that’s why there is a “fear list” (Which most members don’t even include in their fourth step) included in the fourth step, and don’t forget your sexual inventory.  Please don’t believe the steps are only done one time and then the work is over.  A fourth step should be done every time we get a taste of misery, deep emotional pain and resentment.  AA is strong in dealing with our own faults and wrongs.  But many of us have suffered whether at the hand of a loving or a cruel adult.  So if we have no resentment attached to our pain then we write down the even, what happened, and how it made us feel.  We can use an empty chair and imagine our assailant or abuser is in that chair.  Then we tell them how they made us feel.  We can write them a letter that we need not send.  But the letter will relieve us of boxed in feelings toward the person.

After all…its hard for me to imagine a child with a healthy emotional rearing to resort to self-destruction and self-hate and loathing because of their wonderful childhood.  If you don’t know the ‘why’ you became an addict you are missing a large part of what recovery is.

Many times a simple look at our family tree will answer many questions for us.

The question “why” is the beginning of knowledge and knowledge is the primary tool linking us to wisdom.

 

Is AA Really Spiritual NOT Religious

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

– Aldous Huxley

http://aaagnostica.org/2012/05/27/the-courts-aa-and-religion/?subscribe=success#blog_subscription-2

While our pre-conceived notions are ripped to shreds by Linda R’s factual, and informative article we may take solace in the truth that our rock, AA IS A SPIRITUAL PROGRAM.   This, in spite of the high courts multiple rulings that AA is in fact a religious program.   “Spirituality” is not a contradiction of religion.  And religion does not mean non-spiritual and bad.   One thing for certain, in A.A. we choose, seek, and find our own Higher Power.  Whether it’s by our sponsor introducing God to us or by receiving a revelation and white light experience through prayer and meditation or we simply reconnect with the God of our parents we still make a choice of who our Higher Power is.   Our AA belief system is very different from dogmatic religion in that way.

However, the question has arisen in some of the highest courts of our nation whether or not A.A. is religious.  And it has come up for good reason, the separation of church and state.  Parolees do not want to be forced into a religious AA program  against their constitutional rights.  This separation of church and state is a fundamental aspect of US law, known as the Establishment Clause, and is explicated in the first amendment to the US Constitution, which states

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”

By Linda R.

Inside AA, one hears members frequently repeat the well-known phrase “AA is spiritual, not religious.” AA takes pride in saying it’s not religious. But what do outsiders, such as the court systems, think about AA’s claim?

In the ten year period between 1996 and 2007, five high-level US courts — three federal circuit courts and two state supreme courts – did take a long and hard look at AA’s claim. Each of these cases involved a person who was being forced to participate in AA meetings, either as a condition of their parole or probation, or while actually incarcerated. These cases reached the highest level of judiciary scrutiny — only one level below the US Supreme Court — because they involved the critical issue of separation of Church and State. This separation is a fundamental aspect of US law, known as the Establishment Clause, and is explicated in the first amendment to the US Constitution, which states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”

The parolees, probationers and inmates in each of these cases claimed that the State was using its power to force them to participate in a religious activity. They claimed that AA meetings were religious. Thus, their required attendance was a violation of the Establishment Clause, which requires governmental neutrality with respect to religion and a wall of separation between Church and State.

read more from “aaagnostica.org” by Linda R.

The Four Stages of Early Sobriety

From “The Adventures of Sober Senorita”

 

JOIN IN THE SOBER FUN LADIES!

This is not a “Recovery Farmhouse” original article.  But it’s a very interesting topic for recovery.  Pretty sure you can find the writer’s name somewhere at the link of the sober senority. https://sobersenorita.com/2015/08/20/the-4-stages-of-early-sobriety/

Lately I’ve been receiving a ton of messages and emails from my readers about early sobriety. I realize that many of us contemplate sobriety for months, or even years, before we decide to take the leap and make a change. Before we do, we want to know exactly what it’s going to be like and what’s going to happen when we get sober. I’m sure that’s why a lot of you read my blog in the first place. You want to know – is getting sober possible? Is it enjoyable? What is everyday life going to be like? Well, to briefly answer those questions, early sobriety is different from years of sobriety, as I am quickly learning at 2 years and 3.5 months sober. I think early sobriety can easily be broken down into 4 realistic stages which I will detail for you below…….READ MORE

Trust in God – Sharon’s Story about Crystal Meth Addiction Recovery

More from http://mormonchannel.org/12steps
http://www.mormonchannel.org/12steps   This is the link to all 12 of the videos that the Mormon channel has recently put out.  They are getting allot of attention in the press.  Apparently they are very down to earth real stories of real people, their bottom and their recovery from all different kinds of addiction.

Here’s the link to the really good and helpful video. FOOD FOR THOUGHT AA EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY TOM P

__________________________________________________________

We must never give up hope.  In all things give thanks.  I have been ungrateful for the things I have.  For that I repent, where does that get me other than anger and resentment.  And so once again I accept that God is in charge and I trust, trust, trust, that He, She, It, has my best interests at heart.

Frank Duffy’s Poem “DEPRESSION”

See more of Franks poems here:  FRANK DUFFY’S POEMS

DEPRESSION

I woke up with my friend depression
I went to see my therapist for a skull session
He asked me do you have any aggression
I told him aggression is not my only obsession
Without a profession its easy to get caught in any obsession
So when I am feeling blue I try to be happy and think of you
But my old friend depression is very sly
Sometimes it wont even let me try
But I am not giving up, I will not die
I will keep on going I am going to try
There is always hope if I don’t give in
As long as I don’t pick up booze and dope!
I will not die, so my old friend depression
Why do you even try

WHY PEOPLE RUN FROM A.A.

        

AA IS A PROGRAM OF ATTRACTION RATHER THAN PROMOTION

IF WE WANT TO STAY SOBER WE MUST BE WILLING TO BECOME TEACHABLE

Why would people who need help so badly run from the very program that has helped so many with the same malady? Without the ingredient of ‘desperation’ the alcoholic addict will try anything except giving up and signing over power to a sponsor and A.A.
What would keep me from being teachable?
1. FALSE PRIDE AND SHAME-, False pride tells me that if I don’t know literally EVERYTHING then I am stupid, wrong, and bad. False pride says that only the most brilliant people are qualified to teach me anything. Working the steps and getting a sponsor curtails the lies my psyche is telling me to keep me sick.
2. . TRUST ISSUES Clearly I can’t get a sponsor because everyone is out to get me. The world revolves around my belly button therefore the world wants to know my fifth step and if I get a sponsor, he will sell tickets to the opening night show. “Mickey’s Fifth Step on Parade”. Yikes! However, realize this; there are only so many deadly sins. Seven to be exact. Most people’s step five are pretty much the same…boring sex, wrath, thieving, and the like.
3. FEAR OF COMMITMENT Omg! In my past addiction I made so many appointments that I could not keep. I am now gun-shy of commitment. I use words like ‘maybe’, ‘probably’, ‘most likely’ but never ‘yes I will be there’. Commitment is hard for me because of my past failures to keep them. The good news is now I am so desperate to get sober that I WILL KEEP MY APPOINTMENTS WITH MY SPONSOR NO MATTER WHAT. In addition, by doing that I am walking through the fear and building my self-worth. I am working the good principles and that magically feeds recovery to my soul.
4. FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED BY OTHERS I used to hand over power to my partners to make them feel good so I could get what I wanted from them. After they made my choices for me (so I would not have to fear the outcome), they would put me on a time clock. Where are you going? What time will you be back? Whom are you going with? etc., etc. After a while, I would snatch back the power I had turned over. My codependent dance partner would then suffer from intense anger and lash out at me as if I had done something terrible. Won’t a sponsor do the same thing? Won’t the same sick dance take place? Fortunately not. Sponsors know we only suggest, we do not control our sponcees. We suggest to them what worked for us. It is my choice whether I do what is suggested therefore I reap the good consequences of my new actions.
5. ‘FEAR OF RELIGION’ . Religion told me that I am bad and going to Hell. I believed it. I was young and innocent yet they told me of a place of suffering and despair. Moreover, since I was bad, spilled my milk, and made an F on my report card they said I would surely be sent to the lowest pit in the underground skyscraper called “Hell”. I cannot bear to be terrorized by religious views anymore. AA must not be religious, we are a spiritual program. Step 11 proves that we are a spiritual not religious program of choice. There is no Hell in our Big Book.
6. THE FEELING I AM GOING TO LOSE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. My addict is scared to death of not having the drugs that worked to suppress my fears and emotional pain for so long. NOW MY DOPE HAS STOPPED WORKING. I have hit a brick wall. I drank and drugged repeatedly so many times I nearly killed myself. Therefore, I walk through the fear and distrust. I muddle though the past betrayal, I walk in the rooms, shrouded in shame and I say with all my heart; I am Mickey and I want to change, I can’t go on like I am, please show and teach me how to recover.

     HERE ARE THE NINTH STEP PROMISES THAT DO COME TRUE WHEN WE WORK THE STEPS HONESTLY AND THOROUGHLY   

   THE NINTH STEP PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises?  We think not.  They are being fulfilled among us____sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them.

 

Read a similar article by Martha Lockie)

Tom B “Emotional Sobriety”

Tom B video on Emotional Sobriety and Recovery from Alcoholism
Published on May 28, 2013
Awesome share by one of the best AA speakers, Tom B. This is perhaps the BEST talk on the topic of “emotional sobriety” I have ever heard! MUST LISTEN! 🙂 From the book Alcoholics Anonymous: “In spite of the great increase in the size and span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.”

Here’s the link to the really good and helpful video. Tom B AA Video

12 Steps and (the right) Therapy Go Hand In Hand

Thank God for AA and Empathic Therapy

“We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. …But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. … though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward.” [Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p. 133]

HAVING WRITTEN THAT…..

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me and a group of recovering addicts/alcoholics had the opportunity to participate in group therapy from a brilliant ground-breaking therapist and writer in the field of “Trauma and Recovery”.   Randall Mayrovitz is employed at Meridian Healthcare, Bridgehouse Rehabilitation Center.  The  therapy took place in 2006, our little group of women are still to this day sober and very much emotionally healed.  And thanks to the 12 step program spiritually fed.  Our commonality besides addiction is we women had suffered from abuse and neglect, of different types and different extents.

Please, we all love AA and still go on the most part.  We believe deeply in the working of the steps.  However, each of us women believe in our heart of hearts that without learning what Randy taught us in group, we would not have made it.  The pain was much too deep to be healed by looking only at “our part” in matters.

Learning our own patterns of dysfunction was a large part of recovery.  But do we shut down the tears of a five year old who is black and blue from the fist of a parent?   Do we send him off with an assignment to write down his part in the abuse?  An abused child now an adult does not grown out of needing comfort, care, and an understanding and loving hand to say,  “I feel your pain, its safe to cry.”   An abused child suffers and until that child is taught a way to heal they will be sick and continue to suffer.  Outside issue you say?  Well in some ways yes.  But also for us it is the issue.  Causes and conditions, the reason we (not all) drank and drugged was to bury feelings we could not bear.  Addiction is a shame based malady with fear at the helm and anger spewing from the rudder.  If addiction were or is solely a spiritual malady then we must all have a demon dwelling in us.  For us spirituality is the remedy but the sickness is very much emotional coupled with a lack of spirituality.  In my opinion.

Randall

EMPATHIC RECOVERY STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

We come together as survivors of painful life experience seeking a place to heal our wounds.  We’ve reached a point in our recovery where interventions aimed at symptomatic relief no longer satisfy us.  We recognize the revolving door of symptom substitution and feel the weight of something deeper.

While our symptoms and circumstances may vary, the end product of our trauma is the same: frozen feelings bottled inside because it was too unsafe to feel.  It was our natural inborn impulse to express these feelings in order to heal and grow.  Their suppression has created a powerful negative energy, driving us to emotional, physical, and spiritual illness and destructive behaviors.

Through each other’s empathic support and understanding, we hope to be able to restore our life flow, the inner force that guides us toward vitality and well being, compelling us to feel our darkest pain in order to recapture our deepest pleasure.  In so doing, we will slowly render unhealthy coping mechanisms useless, giving expression to old and new feelings and healing our wounds one piece at a time.

I will be publishing more from the Empathic Healing Workbooks that we were given at Bridgehouse

The Healing Journey

Embracing The Storm

Empathic Relashionships

A.A. SOBRIETY TOOLS

Start by including God in your recovery, pray pray pray.  Give thanks and ask for guidance and help.

If I can’t stay sober long enough to go to a meetings then go to detox and rehab for a minimum of 30 days.

90 meetings in 90 days to jump-start my recovery.

Do a daily meditation reading in the morning

End your day with prayer and thanks

Get a sponsor keep asking till someone says yes.

Do at least one thing every day for my recovery.

Take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth to become teachable.

Work the 12 steps with a sponsor out of the 12 and 12 book but start with prayer.

Read the Big Book and go to step study meetings

God to gender meetings

Start chairing meetings at 30 days sober.

Call someone in recovery every day and tell them how I am doing

Go to the jails and tell my story

Go to detox and rehab and tell my story.

Call my sponsor

Get a support group going on-you can acquire one by going to rehab and joining group discussion therapy.  Or reaching out in AA and getting phone numbers.   Keep calling people till they answer.

Go over in meditation all the good things you are doing for your recovery.

start a meeting

go to a business meeting and vote

Join a committee and be a group representative of some sort.

Be kind to yourself, no more speaking unkindly to yourself or self criticisms.  You are doing the best you can with what you have been given.  Do a family tree and you will realize you have been hard on yourself.

Keep it simple

Play it through (before you do drink remember where it will take you all the way till the next days hangover, regret and remorse.)

Join a AA Facebook group

 

Sober Relationships (part 2) A Man’s Perspective

Relationships and Early Recovery by Fred Hundt

 

When I came into recovery, carried into the Psych Ward for my threats against myself and others, I felt as alone as I’d ever been in my life.  My girlfriend was done with me, I’d alienated most of my friends and my main relationship problem was that I didn’t have any.  I had to face the fact that, for the first time in my life, no one was going to “rescue” me.  I had to face my addiction and my demons and I needed to accept help honestly rather than manipulating people and situations.

 

In early sobriety I heard the AA maxim of not getting into a new relationship for at least a year.  I didn’t understand it then, but listened to my sponsor’s advice to take things slowly, earning my way back into my girlfriend’s life with my behaviors, not promises.  He also warned me against turning meeting camaraderie with women in the program into anything more. 

 

Looking back, I’m grateful for the AA approach and my sponsor’s “Easy Does It” advice.  In early sobriety I needed to build a relationship with me.  I’d been avoiding myself through alcohol for years.  I had to learn to face myself, spend time with myself and, eventually, even begin to like myself.  I also needed to build a close working relationship with my Higher Power.  I learned to talk to my HP through daily prayer, to connect through meditation and to listen to the quiet voice of Spirit within.  Building those two relationships was a full time job…I couldn’t have given them the attention they needed if I had been involved in a romantic relationship.

 

I watch newcomers in the rooms get involved in relationships and I see the roller coaster rides they take.  I remember that in my early sobriety I needed less drama, not more.  I’d had plenty of it in my last few drinking years.  I needed the calm and quiet of those months to learn about serenity and how to achieve and maintain it in my life.

 

Part of what I realized about myself in early recovery is that I was a “taker,” not a “giver.”  As much as I tried to wrap my behavior in noble motives, I had always looked at relationships entirely from the point of view of what I could get from them.  I always expected that the “next” woman would save me, would make things all right.  When that didn’t happen, I pulled away.  I usually didn’t even have the courage to break up.  I would just make myself emotionally unavailable until she broke up with me.  That allowed me to play the victim or the martyr.  I didn’t know how to have an honest relationship!  If I had pursued a new relationship in early recovery, I’m certain that I would have defaulted back to my old behavior.  Falling back in the part of my life would have risked relapse, too.

 

Over months (and years) of sobriety, parts of the program began to sink in.  I began to learn humility and thought of myself less.  I began to focus on how I could serve others without expecting anything in return.  I learned that I could be honest with my Higher Power and with the people in my life.  Today I have a wonderful relationship with the woman who had “written me off” that night I went to the Psych Ward.  I’m grateful each day for the opportunity to serve her and for the simple joy it brings me.  I can’t give anyone else relationship advice, but can share that the AA program has worked for me in this and all areas of my life.

WHAT IS AFFIRMATIVE CONSENT?

NEW SEXUAL LAWS ON THE HORIZON!

Bottom line- the law makes light of a brutal crime and patronizes rape victims!

For students only

I recently encountered some info about an up-and-coming sex law. It is aimed at college students and administrative policies at colleges starting in California.    If the bill is passed, colleges must use the legislature’s definition of consent in their sexual assault policies or risk losing state funding for student financial aid.

WHAT IS AFFIRMATIVE CONSENT?

“The legislation, which was introduced as a direct response to the current sexual assault crisis on college campuses, defines consent as an “affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity” every step of the way.”

   Quote from affirmativeconsent.com Affirmative consent’ means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity.

What ‘Affirmative Consent’ Actually Means

 A proposed bill in California that would require college students to obtain explicit consent before proceeding with a sexual encounter is sparking controversy over whether that standard can actually work in practice. The legislation, which was introduced as a direct response to the current sexual assault crisis on college campuses, defines consent as an “affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity” every step of the way. There are some concerns that’s much too broad.

 The Affirmative Consent Standard

 The Affirmative Consent Standard states that the person who initiates sexual contact must receive a VERBAL YES (affirmative consent) from the other person before engaging in any sexual activity — and that consent must be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter.

  “No Means No” Isn’t enough. We Need Affirmative Consent Laws to Curb Sexual Assault. “

End of the pro affirmative consent viewpoints

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 What Recovery Farmhouse thinks of this potential Campus Law

I think Cathy Young hit the nail on the head when she said: “this approach to sexual safety is absolutely out of touch with reality.”  I ask,  what will we do carry a tape recorder during our sex or a video to prove that we got the YES YES AND YES from our adult sexual partner so we don’t get charged with rape.

Consensual sex is not the problem what these people (at affirmativeconsent.com) are essentially trying to do is fix something that’s not broken and profit from it a-long the way.  They are totally side-stepping any real solution to forced sex.  Even worse they are making lite and emotionally minimizing  a literally deadly and serious topic as if it were some kind of fun game toy.

I overheard John Chauncey the brain storm so called “activist” behind the idea up close and personal on July 13th, 2015.  He wasn’t ashamed to say aloud so the whole room could hear that the reason he started his activist movement is mainly because he wants to be a millionaire.   Which hey, I want to be a millionaire too but I am not hiding behind some do-gooder facade that I can’t relate to at all.  Yep he wants the money and he is using the law, legislation and his new website to do just that.    He is riding on the backs of real rape victims as if he can relate to their horrible plight trivializing and insulting what deadly violent rape is really about.

Check out the t-shirts and condom kits for sale on his site.  He is not a rape victim, his hearts clearly not in the cause and if it were, I think his approach would be much different.

Just a couple possible scenarios, this pending law could be so easily manipulated to be used by the disgruntled and rejected girl-friends or the girl who willingly had sex, gets pregnant then has to prove to daddy she was raped.  No problem her sex partner didn’t bring his tape recorder with him, you got him by the gonies.   Subsequently she can very easily ruin not only her baby-daddy’s education but his up and coming career as well  thanks to this handy new law.  This is one of those rules that will be used against the innocent rather than the guilty.

This legislative ideal is immature even by recovering addicts standards and we usually have stunted our emotional maturity from the point we started our using.

The up side?

For an addict to communicate with their sexual partner is an emotional plus in the growth category.  We encourage our newcomers in AA to mutually define their relationships and to keep communication open in all relationship categories.  However, once hormones are flaring body language is more than enough.  Understanding when a man or women wants to be with us is simple body language 101 come on law-makers.  There are no clearer words than a women who pulls you closer or pushes you away.    The problem is rarely if ever truly this: “I misunderstood her body language my dad taught me that no means yes.”  Right!  Clearly even the lowest IQ can feel and understand well sexual rejection, no words are needed for that.  Even two adults who speak different languages can communicate and understand well what they are saying to each other during romance.  No dialect is needed much less a tape recorder and over-communication.

Rejection hurts and it penetrates us all the way to our soul.  We often carry it around for life.   So how is it these people think that it’s a lack of communication that is the cause of the campus rape crisis?  Really?  Oh gee judge I raped her because I mis-understood her, seriously?  Ok granted there are those that would use this defense in court but is there anyone that would believe it?  So why on earth do they see communication as a solution to rape?

The only students that would abide by this campus law would never rape a women anyway.  Its like invoking a law to announce at the bank entrance that no potential bank robbers will be permitted to carry weapons beyond the door.  And then making each law abiding citizen sign an affidavit at the door that they won’t bring weapons in.

Discipline is the only thing that a rapist understands.  Fear of being locked up and losing it all, a rapist understands that.  Security and strictly enforced rape laws will work.  This mamby-pamby affirmative consent rule will most likely end up being the most ridiculous and made-fun-of legislation since the laws forbidding Bingo games to last more than 5 hours, or the law in N. Carolina against selling one’s eyeballs.  Yep there’s one in every crowd.

http://thefederalist.com/2014/10/06/women-risk-losing-discretion-in-push-for-affirmative-consent/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2014/06/23/you-are-a-rapist-yes-you/

http://cognoscenti.wbur.org/2014/09/15/campus-rape-college-sex-wendy-kaminer

SOBER SEX

SEX IN EARLY RECOVERY

(link to Big Book page 68-71 sexual inventory)
“BIG BOOK SEXUAL INVENTORY PAGE 69” (see in pop up)
Open a popup window

“We do not want to be the arbiter of anyones sex conduct” pg 69 Big Book.   (a*r*b*i*t*e*r-a person who settles a dispute or has ultimate authority in a matter.)

“We do not want to be the arbiter of anyones sex conduct”, so it states in the Big Book and rightly so!   Translation:  Unless someone asks for advice don’t give it.   We thank you for that clarification Bill Wilson.  BUT a big BUT!  It just so happens that  sex is a hot topic in and out of the rooms and “not being an arbiter”  doesn’t mean we can’t read and talk about what sober sex is all about.   In accordance with the 12 Steps of AA (the good and righteous principles) we  should live by truth, respect, humility, faith, hope, Love, charity and more,

BUT WHAT ARE THE PRINCIPLES? (click here for complete principles of AA)

Core Spiritual Principles of the Program:  Willingness, Open-mindedness, Honesty

AA’s Code:  Love and Tolerance of Others

Gratitude, Acceptance, Love, Honesty, Tolerance, Unselfishness, Strength, Serenity, Giving, Fortitude, Faith, Brotherhood, Service, Understanding, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, self-forgetting,  compassion, Love, kindness,  persistence, faith, hope, wisdom, harmony, willingness, fair minded, Good Judgment, Courage, Humility, Sincerity, Forthright, Generous, Prudence, Serenity, Patience, long-suffering, Admission of Defeat.

Sober Sex

Ok these are all wonderfully spiritual qualities.  And theses virtues are what Step 12 service work is all about…except, from what I have learned we don’t  do step 12 service work to help others as much as we do it to help ourselves.   We do step 12 to keep us sober, another “rightly so”.  If we don’t take care of our sobriety first then we are no good to anyone and certainly no good in a lasting intimate relationship  if we go full blown addict again.

Rule #1 Get to know a potential partner

Get to know this person way before you even think about having sex with them.  Do not say I love you, do not move in with them, do not get engaged, do not profess we are soul mates until at least absolute bare minimum of 90 days.  He/She could turn out to be a psycho maniac controlling hostage taker.  Or he could be the 13th step king of the club and as soon as you sleep with him he intends to mark you off as a conquered foe.   He has no intention of seeing you again after you comply.  After you make the choice to give your precious body once…he will move on to the next conquest.  And that is his prerogative and your choice.

We are building our self-esteem presently not looking to tear it down.    To this sportsman you are just his secondary addiction.  There’s one like him in every AA Group and it doesn’t mean that you are a victim.  We make our choices and if we choose to sleep with a man of this caliber we are an adult and it is our choice.  WE ARE NOT VICTIMS when he kicks us to the curb.

These type serial sex junkies are not a good choice for us even if all we want is sexual satisfaction because they don’t respect anyone that will sleep with them that makes the encounter kinda dysfunctional.

And lets not be too hard on him ladies.  He is scared to death of commitment and he is also afraid if you get to know him too well you won’t like him much.  Rejection is tough and it scars us all.  The survival skills we have developed tend to look kinda mean and selfish but all they really are underneath is hurt.

So get to know the person you are attracted to.  Find out if they are someone who is kind.  find out if you have anything in common.  Talk about everything and anything.  Does he believe in God like I do?  What is his past like?  Find out how he treats his X.  The healthiest X’s neither hate each other nor do they still sleep with each other, they have moved on and forgiven one another.

Jumping into relationship commitments such as moving in and saying I love you before the first 90 day probationary period is typical people-addiction behavior.  Again if we “need” a relationship then we are not ready for one.

GET TESTED

Rule #2 If you want to sleep with me you will have to get tested and show me the results on paper.  If you can’t resist sex in the mean-time absolutely use a condom especially if you haven’t gotten your own results in yet.  You could be committing murder.

DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Rule #3 Walk through the Fear-Show Self-Respect and mutual respect.  The fear of rejection is big in early recovery.     Actually not just early recovery it’s a prime characteristic of alcoholics.   But to stick with the principles we must communicate our desires to our new or potential sex partner.  Again we should not be needy, if we are needy we are not ready to date.  These days sex kills so monogamy and sexual commitment are things that are not so far fetched even on the first date.

It feels awkward but, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE SLEEPING WITH A MAN (or woman) WHO  INTENDS TO SLEEP  AROUND WHILE HE/SHE SLEEPS WITH YOU AS WELL?  My support group asked me that question when I started dating in my first year.  I surprised myself with a big HELL NO!  Sexual commitment is not marriage, it’s not going steady and it’s not a way to control someone or take them hostage. It doesn’t mean I love you.   A sexual monogamous commitment with a partner in this day and age is for safety and mutual respect and consideration.  It means that while we two are dating if he or I decide we want to sleep with other people we will have enough respect for each other to tell the other partner before we sleep around.

Remember it takes assertiveness to be candid and reveal who we are with complete truthfulness.  Doing this the first time will be hard because of the fear of rejection.  Having a support group is so important to back you up on doing the right thing until you get used to standing on your own two feet in a place of principled morality and Loving respect for yourself and others.

Even Oprah talks about “defining our relationship” its not just a recovery thing.

Work Your AA Program First

GO HOME AT NIGHT, AND KEEP GOING HOME AND GO HOME NO MATTER HOW BAD WE MAY WANT TO FALL INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE WE ARE building a new and sober life.  We are finding out who we really are.  And we are also re-creating who we are.  It’s best if we can live alone to grow spiritually for a year or so before we commit to sharing our life with someone else.

The window to recovery is open for you now.  Now is your time.  It will be easier now than it will every be.  Get to a meeting and meet some new friends.

Life will be good!

SOON TO COME “A MANS PERSPECTIVE ON EARLY RECOVERY AND SOBER SEX”

I am currently looking for a sober man 4 years plus to write this article to the men new to recovery.

 

 

 

 

 

On Buprenorphine in Recovery?

(Buprenorphine facts are taken from physician desk reference and the Suboxone.com website and the pamphlet that Subutex/Suboxone distributes.   And other various research reference sites online. )

FINGER POINTING AND FALSE COMPARISONS

It has come to my attention that the belief systems running through NA and even AA are that if your on any kind of pain drug from your doctor or even a rehabilitation maintenance type drug such as buprenorphine then your “not clean & sober”.  What I want to do here today is take a fair and balanced look at this issue and define what sobriety or clean and sober really is.  I also want to take a look at each of a few drugs and point out the differences in how they do affect a person trying to rehabilitate from an abusive and addicted lifestyle.

What is the cure?

Firstly and foremost I want to say, and this trumps anything following that I have written.  You have to feel if you want to heal.  Therefore in recovery we must be able to do the steps with our entire emotions invested in the process for it to work.  When we stop drinking and drugging there is a natural process of emotions in us that surface in perfect order.  Stuff comes up from the past that we have ignored or stuffed down  and repressed by using drugs and ignoring our emotions.  If we are still numbing ourselves out we won’t be able to heal 100% by addressing our underlying issues and processing those issues.

ALCOHOL AND DRUGS ARE BUT A SYMPTOM OF AN UNDERLYING ISSUE OR SICKNESS

Emotional disorder- is the inability to process our feelings.  We, I tend to stuff down and put into denial my intense feelings of FEAR in the form hurt, anger, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, and the big one inferiority.

First I want to point out that addiction is due to underlying causes such as emotional and mental disorders.  Some people think the disease is in our  DNA and hereditary they may be right.   But I believe it’s a learned behavior and the sex, drugs, gambling, food, alcohol are a solution to our deep fear, anxiety, and depression.   The drugs eventually stop working and our cure becomes lethal to us.  If we were emotionally balanced we wouldn’t need the steps the program or even God until our death…then we better have a relationship built with a Higher Power that can deliver us from death because we are all headed that way dope or no dope.

PEOPLE GET INJURED, SICK AND NEED PAIN MEDICINES FROM THE DOCTOR

We can be so sick or injured that if we don’t take our medicine our quality of life will be way worse than if we don’t. We mustn’t judge others for taking pain meds.   Come what may some day karma may tap us on the shoulder with some excruciating and chronic pain from a sudden injury.  To thine own self be true.  We are not martyrs.

I think if a man does have to take pain meds he has a better chance at recovery if it’s later rather than sooner.  Once you have six years under your belt sober I personally believe we don’t think with an addict mind anymore therefore we have a much better chance at following the doctors orders in sobriety.

 

WHAT IS CLEAN & SOBER?

Step One “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (drugs) and our lives had become unmanageable.”

If there is an absence of un-manageability then ones life is manageable.  If there is an absence of powerlessness then there is no issue…is there?  Just like a gun can be used for a good purpose to protect our families they can also be used to murder and mame.  A product in and of itself is not evil it is mans use of that product which defines weather it is good or evil.  Even Heroin, morphine and cocaine  are used for good purposes in hospital settings.  And don’t think hospitals don’t use Cocaine I had jaw surgery and know better.  They put cocaine on a long q-tip and went from nasal to throat cleaning it out.

Heroin; some scientists proclaim is a much better pain killer than Morphine however due to the prejudices and stigmas attached to it they use Morphine instead.  If one labels an inanimate object “evil” just because someones use of it makes it evil that is called a prejudice.  We can be prejudiced in our minds over any people, places, and things.

If I am addicted to pornography then the computer is my evil catalyst where-as if a scientist posts the cure for cancer on his science blog and it is used around the world then the computer is a wonderful tool that saves lives.  These examples tend to apply to anything.  Chocolate cake at a 5 year olds birthday party is something he will enjoy and look back on all his life.  How his mother nurtured him emotionally with her positive attention.  And yet to the obese man a chocolate cake is the evil which can kill him.  Sugar is actually poison which WILL kill him.

Pot or Marijuana to some people is their evil.  They abuse it relentlessly.  Others do not.  Hear me OTHERS DO NOT.  Just because someone can’t take narcotics without abusing them doesn’t mean they can’t smoke pot responsibly.  Pot is a drug that can be used reasonably in recovery in my opinion as long as you are not smoking it abusively and soberly work the 12 step program with a sponsor.  Go to meetings 90 and 90 and all the other stuff suggested.

HYPOTHETICAL:  MARIJUANA

Say Johnny smokes some weed at night and then he goes during the day to meetings and works the steps.  He is also seeking God with his heart and getting group therapy.  He doesn’t smoke pot during or before his recovery appointments.  He has stopped crack smoking and every other hard drink and drug he was doing.  Please don’t tell Johnny he is not sober he is doing great and so much better than he was.  He is a father to his children he is home at night.  And don’t forget he has been on dope pretty much all his life.  Having a cushion to keep his rage in check till he can work through his emotional issues is a plus.  Don’t ask Johnny to go on anti-depressants just so he can be legal.  Pot works for Johnny and is soon to be legal where he lives.   Do you think that smoking cigarettes is a healthy recovery thing to do?  Yet cigarettes are accepted among NA and AA members and don’t cancel out your recovery.  Why would pot cancel -out your recovery if Nicotine doesn’t?  Why would we judge Johnny as “not sober”, he doesn’t smoke cigarettes which are a drug also.  Cigarettes are an unfair status-quo in the rooms.  Cigarettes will kill you quick and are far more harmful than Marijuana if it’s smoked occasionally and not abusively.  Most cigarette smokers smoke way too much but yet they are considered sober.  And they are sober just not perfectly sterilized sober.  Bill Wilson our co-founder of A.A. died from cigarette addiction as a matter of fact in the form of He died from emphysema and pneumonia.  Why am a telling you this?  To point out that even the best of the best have secondary addictions.  For me it’s the internet and food.  None of us are truly qualified to harshly judge others.

BUPRENORPHINE (SUBOXONE, SUBUTEX)

I have know people that used buprenorphine when they started recovery and weaned down and people who have had to start med well into their tenth or more year.  Firstly if your on Suboxone which is buprenorphine and Naloxone combined don’t bother shooting it.  The Naloxone is only effective for relatively 20 minutes just long enough to block your rush and initial effects.  When the Naloxone wears off your drug works the way it is supposed to so as to reduce pain or cravings.  Secondly they have developed both Suboxone and Subutex (both buprenorphine) with a ceiling…if you take more than 3 pills don’t expect to feel the fourth one BUT you can still OD on them.   you just won’t get any higher than if you took 3. YOU CAN NOT GET ANY HIGHER ONCE YOU HAVE HIT THE BUPRENORPHINE CEILING.

Thirdly don’t expect Buprenorphine to get you high like an opiate the scientists have developed this PARTIAL OPIATE AGONIST so it won’t have the effects of a full blown agonist or “NARCOTIC”.  Put simply the chemical Buprenorphine does go to your opiate receptors. However, picture your receptors with a closed door in front of them.  When you take an opiate the door swings wide open and your receptors are drenched with the effects.  With partial opiate agonists such as Tramadol or Bubrenorpine the door to your receptors only opens half-way so the receptors only get half as sedated.

METHADONE

Methadone works to keep Heroin addicts off the street, keeps them from having to steal and rob to get heroin however it is very strong and will stop the natural process of healing and recovery.  So if methadone is used in the beginning of recovery it should be a temporary thing to ween off of eventually.  Then it can be considered progress.

ALCOHOL

Alcohol is a drug.  If you can sit down and drink 2 or even 3 drinks and stop every time.  If drinking doesn’t make you want to use crack or shoot dope etc. then your obviously not an alcoholic.  Personally I don’t know nor do any of the people I have asked know one dope fiend who is not also an alcoholic.
So as a rule if you want recovery you will have to stop drinking.

Bottom line we do the best we can.  If we are working the 12 step program and our lives are manageable then we are clean and sober if we have not picked up our drug of choice and abused it basically.

“NOT ONE ALCOHOLIC OR ADDICT WORKS A PERFECTLY STERILE PROGRAM WITH NO VICES”

Whether it be food, sex, sick relationships, gambling, cigarettes, weed, non-narcotic pills, wrath, violence, serial killing, wife beating, every addict in recovery tends to fall back on some vice or another.  We all humans commit sin of some sort.  We are human and I think we were created imperfect.  Perfectionism will beat us down if we don’t get it in check.  We will never be perfect and it is futile to struggle with ourselves relentlessly in a cycle of guilt and self-floggings that originated in our first addiction.  When we get into that cycle we go to a meeting.  “MOVE A MUSCLE CHANGE A THOUGHT”.   WE MUSTN’T JUDGE OUR OWN INSIDES BY OTHER PEOPLES OUTSIDES OUR FELLOWS ARE SELDOM TRANSPARENT.

 

 

Daily Meditation By Fred Hundt

Good Morning, Fillae Blusterers. I don’t know about you, but I have one of those brains which is constantly talking to me. It wants to analyze every situation I encounter, inventing reasons why each thing happens and how it is all part of a plan to hurt me (or, more precisely, my ego). It parses the speech of everyone around me, inventing motives for their words and fanciful backstories filled with sinister purposes. It loves to re-tell stories from my past, pointing out the errors I made and inviting me to feel badly all over again.

One of the most amazing things I’ve learned on my journey in recovery and spirituality is this…I can tell my brain to EFF OFF! I’m not a slave to all of the ego-driven thoughts and messages it creates. I can choose to accept certain messages (“Turn right at the next corner to avoid traffic”) and let go of others (“Here’s an opportunity to get even with someone”).

Even better, I’m learning that I can give my brain direction. I can order it to use its pattern-recognizing powers to see how all of the beautiful little things occurring around me reveal the presence of a Divine Spirit. I can guide it to look for the good in each person I meet. It can watch for opportunities for me to help others, serving joyfully. And, I can tell it to take a break from time to time, letting me just be, quiet and peaceful, right here right now.

___________________________________________–by Fred Hundt

STEP ELEVEN MEDITATION

WARNING! This article contains religious content such as scripture and mention of Christ and other Biblical characters.  Who knew that meditation is spoken of and advocated in the Bible.  But it is.  I do not speak for the whole of AA.  This is my experience with Step Eleven meditation and I want to share how wondrous meditation can be.

In this chapter of “Paradise for the Hellbound” I have attempted to connect biblical content and ideals with step eleven meditation  and the principles set forth in AA.  I have found that AA puts spiritual matters into practical directions that I for one can follow and be healed.

http://www.recoveryfarmhouse.net/twelve-steps-of-alcoholics-anonymous/step-ten-eleven-and-twelve/

“MEDITATION”

(for those that want to read the entire book free at this link)  http://www.recoveryfarmhouse.net/bible/paradise-for-the-hellbound/

Step Eleven “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, Praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to Carry that out.”
or originally written “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for the knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out. ”   Amen
“STEP ELEVEN MEDITATION”

“MEDITATION IN CHRIST

The deepest questions of universal mystery posed by the most intelligent people on Earth can rarely be answered by the intellect alone. They are answered spiritually through the heart and soul by seeking God in meditation.

Gen 24:63
“And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide; and he lifted up his eyes, and saw and behold the camels were coming.”

First Timothy 4:14 & 15
“Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery. Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all.”

Psalms 119:48
“My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, which I love and I will meditate on your statutes.”

Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.”

Psalms 46:10 “Be still, and know that I [am] God.”

Apostle Paul the author of the book of “Philippians” in the letter to the Church at Philippi instructs the people that they should think on good things. The above scriptures show that we should meditate on God’s statutes. However, if your mind is anything like mine was before becoming conditioned by meditation; practicing positive thinking is easier said than done. Distractions, fear, and lack of concentration are the enemies of peaceful meditation. I was unable to stop fearful and critical thoughts even when I prayed for God to “please, guide my thinking”. My thoughts were laced with fears; ongoing dialogues of events that never took place in the real world and critical thoughts toward myself, other people, groups of people who were nothing more than a label placed on people I didn’t know. Well the practice of meditation when done in the way that I will explain can accomplish in us patience, positive thinking, tolerance, and best of all peace of mind.

Meditation and prayer are in my opinion equally important ingredients in building a relationship with Jesus and the Father. Furthermore, these two Higher Powers are not the only Higher Powers that exist. There are many powers living a higher existence than ourselves with whom we can connect. Hold on do not shut the book yet let me explain. I do not mean worship other gods or put them before God I am talking about spirits from whom we can learn and be comforted. Most Christians believe in guardian angels. In this same way, our own personal Spirit Guide can gently guide us. I have discovered by meditation that I have a group of spiritual teachers and helpers who are truly one with God. They helped me by giving me good quiet suggestions when I was unaware that they existed. They still give me good suggestions though now I know they exist.

When I was new at meditating my belief-system required confirmation that the still small voice I heard was not my imagination or a dream. When two of my Spirit Guides told me their names during meditation, I looked the names up and to my amazement both; the words were Hebrew, proper nouns/names that have divine meanings. Spirit Guides do not make my choices for me nor am I controlled by them.

I do not think that every saved believer will have only one purpose in the afterlife, to lounge around with the lion and the lamb. There is more to the afterlife for humans than lounging no doubt. Some spirit-people that have died will be helping the souls still on Earth. The spirit guides I believe were once human and are now in Gods perfect will in a place where that is possible, they are “Just (justified by the blood of Christ) men made perfect”.

Hebrews 12:22
“But ye are come unto mount Sion, (Zion) and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, To the general assembly and church of the firstborn, which are written in heaven, and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, And to Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than [that of] Abel.

Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, [and] I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.”

God spoke to Jeremiah and said, He knew him before he was born. I do believe I existed with God before I became human. That is a concept that I myself at one time would have thought was unthinkable. However, God has taught me that we conventional Christians have presumed way too much about God’s world. By the visions God has given me I realize Heaven is much more than the way it is depicted by the limited and Holy Bible. Through meditation, I realize God is neither legalistic nor limited by man’s perceptions. Seeing God’s wondrous creations helps me know that the Heavens must hold so much wonder.

I do wonder why pretty much across the board Christian religion defines transcendental meditation as evil and an invitation to Satan and his demons to enter. Personally, I believe it takes debauchery or a harmful or hateful act for Satan to enter a human. If we seek God and transcend this reality into a beautiful place that refreshes us how can that be wrong? Howdy, neighbor I just picked up a diabolical evil entity while innocently seeking Jesus with my heart and mind so now I will torture and kill you! Really? What kind of Love would God be showing us if we could be invaded and possessed so easily? I will not apologize for the inability of some folks to understand the truths I have found. Seek to understand rather than to be understood. Those who condemn meditation do not know how beneficial it can be when done in Christ.

 

Just for a moment image that there are other good and supernatural beings other than Gods immediate family.  Take into consideration all the diversity of the creatures on Earth. Our little Earth houses man, beast, insects, sea creatures, air creatures, dirt creatures, and so on. Now change the channel and envision God’s realm where it really is “all good”. How many types of beings do you see? Heaven and God are much vaster than our little Earth. It’s okay to jump out of the box that contains God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, demons, angels, Prophets and Apostles spirits. If we list God as one entity, we are viewing the totality of the spirit world as having only two types of Spirits and of course Hell having Satan and his demons that is two more. That completes our list, four types of supernatural beings acceptable to Christian believers. In all God’s realms of magic and wondrous mystery, communication with any spirit other than God has to be evil. Furthermore, we had better curb our thoughts about angels because we could slip very easily into putting them before God. Why does the church plant such fear into the minds of Christians? Why is the topic of the supernatural so limited in the church? The origin of such limits comes from viewing reality by what we see with our mortal eyes rather than our spiritual eye.

An anonymous author wrote the epistle (letter) titled “Hebrews” primarily to the Hebrews or Israelites of that time that had converted from Judaism to Christianity. Remember, we will receive the most value from scripture when we apply the message to ourselves but it is interesting to know to whom it was originally written. The author was writing to those who by accepting Christ as their savior have come unto mount Sion, which as we read earlier represents the “new covenant” moreover we have come unto “spirits of just men made perfect.” Once again and rightly so I have my own understanding of this scripture. The perfect spirits that now accompany us are former human beings who share our Living God they know the struggles we humans have to endure.

John the Revelator in The Book of Revelation shows one scriptural example of blessed communication with supernatural beings. St. John wrote the book of Revelation while communicating with an angel. St. John heard Gods voice as well. There are many examples of angelic communications in The Bible. Therefore, I see no more harm in receiving guidance from a Spirit Guide than harm in God providing an angel to save my life or transfer information to mankind. Angels are often defined as “ministering spirits” nevertheless, in most churches that I have attended a spiritual experience involving a guide that is spirit other than God Himself or angelic beings is frowned upon if not forbidden entirely and labeled [of the Devil].

Admittedly, when I first started my journey of meditation I feared Satan and evil. After all my mother taught me that when it comes to the supernatural Satan has far more power than God does. I did not want to open myself up to demons so I invoked the blood of Jesus for protection before each meditation for a long time. At this point in my walk with God I no longer, fear what is out there in meditation. I am in Gods care so I do not feel the need to invoke the blood of Jesus every time I meditate my protection holds fast, I am always protected by Jesus He has shown me this by the “Vision of Jesus” I wrote about in the “Visions” chapter.

Building a relationship takes time and care. Yes, prayer is vital in a relationship with God. Have you ever been in a relationship that the other person does all the talking and you do not have one opportunity to speak? Have you ever tried to talk to a person that just will not listen or let you finish a sentence? It is annoying is it not? Preachers tell us often how important prayer is and how spirituality is about a relationship with Christ but most explain very little if any about how to listen to God. Meditation is about listening to God and training our mind.

When practiced, meditation takes us to a sacred place where we meet God. Meditation is a place where we learn. It is a place to experience new visions, brilliant colors, and magnificent beauty, which cannot be put into human terms. Sometimes during a session, we may receive a renewing of the mind or some much-needed comfort. Maybe it is direction and guidance that we need. Sometimes we have no idea what it is we need until after we receive it during meditation. The bottom line is Meditation is a time to receive and you are worth it; you are a child of God. Often times we cry for our answers and blessings from God yet we do not take the time to slow down and receive what God has for us.

Our meditation is as personal as our prayers and it is as unique as we are. I have meditated while floating on the ocean, floating on the river, lying in the yard, sitting Indian style on the grass, lying inside on the bed, meditation during stretching exercises, and I am experienced enough to meditate while in the dentist chair or riding in the car with my family. I recall one time I was lying in the sun meditating and enjoying my peaceful pleasure. When I came back to earthly reality, I was so hot and starting to get sunburn. It amazed me that during my session I did not even feel the hot sun on my skin. I am in complete control of my faculties during these times I am not in a trance and I stop when I choose to. My Meditation has also become a coping skill that helps me calm down when I am stressed. The benefits are amazing! When I seek, I find and what is waiting to be found during meditation in Christ will surely be an awesome jewel.

The “Songs of Solomon” is a book in the Holy Bible that most theologians believe represents the relationship between The Holy Church and Christ. When I say “Holy Church”, I mean the true believers, Gods children I do not mean a certain denomination or religion. The book abbreviated as “Songs” has a double meaning Christ and the church or man to woman. Either interpretation is a beautiful read. The book of “Songs” has been highly criticized because of its amorous language yet its right to a place in the Bible has been defended by many saintly souls in all ages. “The Church” refers to Christ as her “Beloved” whom she seeks diligently to find and Loves fondly. The sharpened and stirring expressions of “The Church toward Jesus are those of passionate desire and sensuality. Jesus said, “I am the Rose of Sharon and the Lilly of the Valley.” (Songs of Solomon 2:1) These flowers are sweet our closeness with Jesus can be sweet as well.

Sensuality: Stimulated, sharpened, pleasing, dazzling, being heightened enhanced appealing, delightful, luxurious, fine arousing, stirring, and moving.

“Songs” portrays the kind of sensuality that owns no lust. Jesus refers to the church, his bride as “my sister my spouse” which is written from a spiritual standpoint not an incestuous one. Shame-based notions of lustful sex are what disturb some interpreters of the book of Songs.

Songs of Solomon 4:9 through 4:12
“Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, [my] spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. How fair is thy love, my sister, [my] spouse! How much better is thy love than wine! And the smell of thine ointments than all spices! Thy lips, O [my] spouse, drop [as] the honeycomb: honey and milk [are] under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments [is] like the smell of Lebanon. A garden enclosed [is] my sister, [my] spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.”

Jesus explains in Mathew who his brothers and sisters are.

Mathew 12:50
“For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.” Those are the words of Jesus.

Songs 5:2
“I sleep, but my heart waketh: [it is] the voice of my beloved that knocketh, [saying], Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, [and] my locks with the drops of the night.”

During meditation, we can experience this kind of intimacy with Christ. We may learn and understand how beautiful it feels to be the sister or brother of Jesus. The scripture reads “Open to me” that is what we do during meditation we expose all of our heart and thoughts to Jesus. Understanding Jesus as a brother and a spouse and inviting him in with the passion and intimacy we would a desired lover will bring fulfillment beyond that of a natural love. Does it make sense that we should desire and take pleasure in Christ even more than a natural lover? Meditate until you get to a peaceful closeness with God.

In my Thompson Chain Reference Bible it is written that only the “mature spiritual mind can interpret the book of Songs.” When we work through our issues of guilt and shame about sexuality that have been instilled from our parents or abuse or sin we are free to enjoy an intimacy with Christ without fear and shame. If we are diligent about seeking God He will put the people in our lives that can help us process and overcome our embedded shame issues. As I have said before Shame is the single most powerful enemy of a relationship with God.

Psalms 4:4 “Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.”

Tears are an expression of feelings that words cannot cradle they are truth. Our minds distort and misconstrue what our own heart speaks. The ego abides in the mind and says our heart makes no sense. My intricate thought misunderstands and so changes my soul’s truth to fit what fear dictates. The mind such a great capacity for reason and yet our hearts truth alludes our sometimes enlightened mind. Void of the courage to set out toward the quest to know ourselves we transform truth into an egotistical rational of words. How may we listen to our own heart? Meditation will help us do just that.

Can your heart understand by faith that what the eye sees is of least importance? Mankind is as grass, temporal. My heart needs help to know that the things I cannot see with the eyes are the greatest most powerful keys to the abundant life.

Psalms 119:48
“My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, which I love and I will meditate on your statutes.”
New King James Version

THE CARDINAL SIN OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

WHAT IS THE CARDINAL SIN OF AA?

The “cardinal sin of AA” it is to take a man’s vulnerabilities and use them against him.  The other cardinal sin of AA is to gossip about what we have heard shared in meetings and to rub it in and make snide sarcastic remarks about what our fellows revealed about themselves in the meeting.  While we hide and wear a mask over our own faults and character defects.

Pointing the finger at other people is how people with low self worth see themselves as “better than”.  But they do it at the expense of those who are trying to heal by being honest and allowing themselves to become vulnerable with sponsors or in meetings so they can get better.  This is something the evil and condemning heart can and will never do..that is make themselves transparent.

The program works, but does it work because we have found a place where people can tell us how bad and wrong we are for being addicts?  Do we get sober because we are beaten into submission?  Do we overcome drugs by being criticized and downtrodden?  Heck No!  RATHER IT WORKS BECAUSE OF THE EMPATHY , UNDERSTANDING AND RELATING THAT WE SHOW ONE ANOTHER.  It works because of the similarities we see in one another.  Criticism is not a healing agent.  We don’t find peace when someone identifies all of our character defects and does a reverse fourth and fifth step on us.  If criticism were able to keep us sober and heal our emotional woes we would have been delivered from addiction a long time ago when those close to us began their verbal attacks.  But don’t tell your Nazi-like inventory-taking dry drunk sponsor that.  

Nowhere in the Big Book does it instruct our sponsors to point out our character flaws for us.  Even the word “personal inventory” tells the tale of SELF-EXAMINATION.  Sure our sponsors can guide and ask us the right questions to aid us in realizing our flaws. 

So then what is the healing agent of AA?  I believe it is the show of caring, relating, identifying, mirroring, and firstly listening and understanding each other’s plight and how we feel.  Empathy is the emotional salve that shows us the Love our heart craves.  Empathy is a caring way of identifying the similarities between us and our fellows.  But not just that, empathy then mirrors in a caring way to let us know  that it has been through the same pains as we have. 

I have been to so many meetings and recovery groups where a person shows the courage to share their heart with the group only to be reprimanded by sometimes as many as 50% of the  group.   Seems many people just want to tell the topic sharer just how bad, wrong and different they are from other alcoholics as if scolding the alcoholic will help.   God forbid if you relapse or have a desire to drink, some people will act like you have committed a cardinal sin.   And yet, that’s the very reason we have sought out AA to begin with.

AA members that really want to stay sober should walk into their group or meeting looking for the similarities in our fellows rather than the differences.   We should be ready to tell the suffering addict that they are not alone.  When a man makes himself vulnerable by sharing his weakness our job is to let him know that we are the same  as him.  And then we tell the sharer and the whole group just how we have overcome that same weakness.  What tools have we learned and used to change?   That is what we share.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 As for the real “cardinal sin of AA” it is to take a man’s vulnerabilities and use them against him.  The other cardinal sin of AA is to gossip about what we have heard shared in meetings and to rub it in and make snide sarcastic remarks about what our fellows revealed about themselves in the meeting.  While we hide and wear a mask over our own faults and character defects.

“Moving” by Author Nancy Carr

“Moving” by Author Nancy Carr

 

Since I got sober in 2004 I’ve moved 12 times.  Prior to getting sober I had moved over 20 times.  You’d think after you get sober, you stick around for a while as your life isn’t bat shit crazy anymore.  One of the many gifts when you get sober is that you aren’t shoving everything you own into heavy duty garbage bags, tossing out furniture because you’re too lazy to deal with it and leaving a messy dirty apartment in your wake.  I’d like to think that I became a much more organized and methodical mover after I got sober, but no – not really.  I tend to de-clutter more, but now I have more clutter; more books (about recovery), more boxes of step work and journals, and many more tres important spiritual healing things that I must cling to.  Besides the new spiritual library, there are now God Boxes, Coin boxes, AA scrapbooks and boxes of saved “Sobriety Birthday” cards.  I have, however, become much more strategic about my moves as I’m not skipping out on roommates or leases anymore.  I’m a bit more accountable to myself and others now.   My moves actually mean something, they have purpose.  The early sober ones were for nicer and bigger apartments; apartments that had an Ocean view, closer to the local Clubhouse and affordable as my piggy bank had savings since I wasn’t spending all my money on drugs and booze. I was now a real grown up.  Yay for me!

My 4th move in sobriety was the big one.  The cross-country I need to go back to Philly and move in with my sick Mother, find a real job and become reacquainted with the snowy winter wonderland move.  It had been 10 years and I needed to do the right thing.  I needed to be that sober daughter to my mother and siblings and establish a life back home again.  If I wasn’t sober, I’m sure I wouldn’t have left San Diego, as my selfish self would have had a zillion excuses not to move back. So, I sold all my furniture, packed up my Acura sedan and carved out just enough space in the back for Lucy to curl up and slobber out the window with her ears flowing in the wind.  I cried from Encinitas until I reached the Arizona border.   I then heard Elton John on the radio, “Philadelphia Freedom”.  I got it.  Ok.

Lucy and I drove for 5 days taking the southern route and within days of our arrival the Snowmaggedon blizzards of 2010 took over and within 4 days there was over 60 inches of snow.  What had I done? Reality set in and there was no more walking over to Swami’s beach for my evening meditations.  My main respite was that Lucy loved the snow and she could run around all day in it.  I was miserable, broke, cold, and not connected in local AA.  I was homesick for my San Diego scene.  The day after we arrived though I ran to the local clubhouse and did what my San Diego peeps told me to do.  I shared about where I was and how I had just moved home and that I was living with my sick mother.  I didn’t have a job nor was I happy to be home.  The thought of a drink sounded pretty good.  I hadn’t been to a meeting in over a week and my grim reality was setting in.  After the meeting women ran over to me like I was a newcomer and gave me their numbers, told me which meetings to check out and told me to keep coming back.  I was almost 6 years sober and I felt like a newcomer, except I wasn’t in an alcoholic fog, I wasn’t crying or hung over and I wasn’t as vulnerable.  I had some time. I knew the deal.  I felt raw and green.  I spent 3 years in Philly and immersed myself into the Malvern Center Fellowship – I made women friends, I got a sponsor – I reconnected with old friends (who were now sober) and I met my now husband.  Mission Accomplished!  We left Malvern in 2013 and spent a year in Baltimore before moving to the Sunshine State.

 

Our move to Florida was fueled by the we are so done with Winter.  It was my 11th move in sobriety, my 4th move to a new Fellowship.  This move was no different than the other moves, so I had to put myself out there again and tell the Fellowship what was going on with me and open up again to someone new. I was able to get a new sponsor pretty early on and she was exactly what I needed. God put her in my life for a reason and I felt like I knew her for years.  I could tell her anything and everything and not feel judged. She got me and I got her.  That’s how this deal works; you have to keep coming back and realize that it works if you work it.

Hope

 Hope is the beginning of Faith when that which we hope for comes to fruition

Why do I have a voice in my head that kicks my ass?  This is why I don’t need a “call you on you shit sponsor”!  I kick my own ass and far too often especially lately…ouch!  I tried to do some new website work in areas that I am learning.  I crashed my site and oh how that freaks me out!  RFH is back up she was only down for an hour or so.  However whenever that happens I get the feeling that it’s the end of the world and I make it all my fault.  Granted it usually is due to an action I take but the actions are to better the site in the long run.  Running a website is much more difficult than one might think…oh the things I have learned,,, so much!  But in the scheme of it all I still know so little.  Every time I crash my site I learn much more about how to make Recovery Farmhouse a better website. 

And so enough about my challenges.  I want to talk about “hope” and how vitally important it is to our life’s outlook and our perspective on the future.  Hope will cure depression, hope will keep us sane, hope helps our attitude it says to us; “everything is going to be ok Lori, your Higher Power has you in his loving hands.  You are the apple of his eye and not only that you are doing the will of your father.”  Hope tells us the things we need to hear.  Hope isn’t just a mental thought it comes from deep within our heart and spreads to our mind and all through our bodies.  Hope can keep a man alive in dismal conditions.  Hope can bring health to our bones.  Hope is listed in the Bible among the “greatest spiritual gifts” it’s more than a positive attitude it is absolute magic.

Hope is the beginning of faith it is the first deposit of the spiritual gift called faith.  Faith when it is full blown CAN move mountains.  I was thinking about the scripture that I learned as a little girl

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” 

Ever lasting life!  This is a hope scripture IF we get it deep down within our heart.  We humans are facing death…every day we face death.  We have no idea when we are born how to grow up emotionally healthy and our parents don’t know how to nurture our vulnerable emotions.  Ofentimes parents try and Love us but still we suffer emotional and spiritual neglect.

We must take time to do Step Eleven and strengthen our faith by meditation.  We must allow hope to grow in us and turn into strong and courageous faith.  I have lots of articles on how to balance ones emotions and recover from emotional disorder so I won’t go into it in this article as well.  This article is focused on higher things.  There is only one gift that is greater than hope and faith and that of coarse is Love.

Better translated into “charity” a giving love a mature and caring love that would fight to make someone else safe and warm.  The Bible says it better than I:

 

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version

 

1If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,b but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

 

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The word of God will feed your soul.  And if your heart deeply agrees with what you read you will move mountains!  You are the vessel of God.  You are a clay pot that holds a wonderful gift of diamond inside your earthly vessel.  Do not underestimate your worth.  Your loving actions will echo in eternity.  Follow your heart and do God’s will.  Do not side with the accuser.  We have no right to judge ever ourselves…we should treat ourselves with kindness and Love just like we would a little child so innocent and pure.  That I believe is how God sees us.

Amen