Cunning and Baffling Addiction

THE BAFFLING PART OF ADDICTION EXPLAINED. How does an emotional pain morph into spiritual blindness and darkness that would cause a man to self destruct?
Clearing up the EMOTIONAL wreckage of the past makes us less vulnerable to actions of fear and hurt toward self and others. Confessing our greatest fear(s) DOES render them powerless over us. In this sense we ARE as sick as our secrets. Shame is the leverage of darkness. Yet “shame” is something humans seldom want to explore within themselves to irrigate it with light. Why? Because we are taught to never allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The deception is that if we expose our fear to the light people will use it against us. However it’s not the people that we need to be concerned with when it comes to fear. But rather the leverage of spiritual darkness in high places who exploit unconfessed shame. Every fourth step should include a shame and fear list that needs spoken out loud. The fear list should be repeated until it becomes a way of life to expose shame and fear to the light.

If you like this you may like Laura’s book “Paradise for the Hellbound”. It is not a typical Biblical text. And the book is not bent on social status quos. Read it free:

Relapse Sucks

Relapse Feels Horrible
Here is a great solution for the remorse. It’s one little assignment that is tried and true…if we can just pick up a pencil and paper to do it!!!
Relapse brings up a lot of guilt and shame which sucks, however it is the perfect time to get some serious baggage off of our heart. Building self-esteem happens when we take one right action at a time. First thing, write core feelings. Write the self-loathing and the feelings of utter worthlessness you feel. Example: I feel like a failure, I hate myself for the things I have done to me and others (children especially). Write the fears associated with thoughts like: I let down my fellows, what will they think of me now? I want people to like me but now they will know I am a failure. Write all the society fears associated with relapse. Write the shame of re-entering the rooms after a relapse and what that does to your reputation and how it makes you feel. GET TO THE CORE FEELINGS THAT MOST EVERY RELAPSER FEELS UNLESS THEY ARE A SOCIOPATH or can’t get honest. These admissions of feelings and fears WILL cut the ego to the quick! These core human emotions, when addressed & processed will set the addict free from anxiety if done thoroughly and regularly.
Next write all the fears about security. I lost my house I am scared shitless, I am ashamed I now live in a trailer. Write: I maxed out my credit cards, how will I ever pay it back? My life sucks now financially, all that money I spent, regret, regrets regret! I am afraid I will be homeless! Don’t just write it like your balancing your checkbook or something, no! Write an expression of emotion straight from the core of your heart words that would embarrass you thoroughly if anyone read them.
On a Fourth Step let’s face it folks; if we only write what we are comfortable sharing with others we won’t get a damn thing out of the step work. Write the stuff that you want hidden, write the stuff that makes you squirm at the thought of anybody seeing it! Write the stuff that you have hidden for years!
There is a reason that we talk about the three fear groups. Sex, society and security are mankind’s main concern, not just the addicts concerns. When we get into fear 99% of the time it’s about losing our security in one or more of these areas. Therefore it makes sense to write these fears like it instructs us to in the fourth step Big book.
After we have expressed our feelings on paper and have listed our fears we re-visit our third step. We remember that God has our back in all these areas and we ask him or her or it to remove all the fears we listed.
Next we confess our fears and feelings in a meeting or to our sponsor. We do the fifth step on the worst of these fears and they will lose power over us!
It’s easy for other people to tell us to “get over it”. But that’s easier said than done, we can’t take our heart out and put it in the dishwasher with the dirty dishes. Sure some things we can just shrug off but other feelings need a little work to help us process and get out. The people who say “get over it” are often the ones who repress so many emotions that they are one heart-beat from a break-down. We came to AA to learn how to deal with our emotions not how to shut them down and get sicker. Always pray before any step-work so your recovery gets the supernatural kick-start that it needs.

The Disease Concept is a Rationalization

If you don’t know the true reason for addiction just make up a reason and run with it.  After all, alcoholics are skilled at the art of denial and bullshit.  We fool ourselves first then we fool the world.

Let’s face it recovering alcoholics are commonly desperate for a valid cause to pin their miseries on. Sometimes in the form of co dependency and blame.  Other times in the form of playing up a tragedy that really doesn’t affect us.  We jump at the chance for a valid process of grief…seldom does anyone ever accept and validate our true grief if and when we have the balls and self honesty to find out what that is. Most recovering addicts have pushed their emotions so far away from their heart that they grasp the “disease concept” in order to validate their reason for drinking and drugging. When truth is IT’S ALL EMOTIONAL.  Very few addicts ever adapt more than the “textbook answer (Big Book)” for WHY DID YOU DRINK CORROSIVELY BROTHER?  It’s not our fault we can seldom answer this question with a true to life cause.


If you were an addict (yes I said “were”) and have realized that the wonderful childhood you experienced was actually just a pretty picture you painted in your head. If the pack mentality has finally dissipated and you realize your caretakers in the formative years were quite possibly self-esteem sucking vampire-like idiots then…CONGRATULATIONS! About 10% of people in recovery ever realize the true reason for their shame (fear of people), self loathing (self destructive), and drinking (drugging).

#1 the word “shame” is pridefully unpalatable and carries with it a grotesque status-quo.  Shames status quo relies on a thriving state of false pride to keep its existence alive and healthy.  That is, shame in it’s oppressive form.  Symptoms of shame-Isolation, lies, hiding, making up stories, a desire to numb oneself from it’s feeling, inferiority, fear, fear of failure, fear of success, changing one’s appearance drastically, blushing, rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your shoulders, avoid eye contact, withdraw, even get dizzy or nauseous.

The true reasons for addiction often just get buried. Bill Wilson himself quite publicly both rationalized and intellectualized his own reasons for drinking.  His false-pride and pack-mentality concepts were obviously (by his writings) NEVER thawed from the great ice crevice in his heart where they lay for so long.

Denial is the addicts brightest and shiniest emotional survival skill both before and after recovery.  Spearheaded at the tip of our emotional talents denial saves us from intense realities. The addicts denial; be it stronger than the iceberg that crushed the Titanic.   Lengthier than the plastic scouring our oceans and more blatant to the psychologically learned than the very nose on our face.

YET how do you tell a blind man that the table is red and not dark?  How do you tell an addict that he drank and drugged because of his pain?  And that his pain erupted in the formative years.  And that he himself is not God, nor is he to blame for attempting to numb such a horrific shame induced pain.  One thing sure, THE ADDICT THINKS HE IS SHIT WE MUST FIND THE CORES OF THAT INCLINATION.  NO, NO, HELL NO!  SCREAMS THE RECOVERING ADDICT!  But what is he recovering from?  Not the real cause of his addiction…oh hell no we won’t go close to that turd of darkness.  No in AA the addict recovers from old habits, and if he works really hard he will become aware of his character defects.  If he works the steps HE WILL BUILD SELF ESTEEM BY STEP 12.  He may recover from hurting others by step four, he may quit cussing, quit smoking, and quit drinking and develope a relationship with God….but until he finds the true cause of his pain HOW IN THE NAME OF BILL WILSON HIMSELF WILL HE RECOVERY FROM THE TRUE CAUSE OF HIS DRINKING?

MOST EVERYONE “LET’S UP ON THEIR SPIRITUAL PROGRAM” AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER…OF THIS I AM CERTAIN.  If the emotional is not addressed, when the spiritual lapses the mouse re-lives his pain.  The pain must be addressed to heal.  We gotta feel to heel…really feel.

Isn’t it time we asked ourselves…Why the fuck did I really nearly drank and drug myself to death?….absent the pack mentality.  And absent the status quo of AA that WE DON’T ASK WHY ABOUT SHIT.  Come on don’t ask why?  Fuck knowledge right?  Start with this statement, “children who are raised in a truly decent emotionally nurturing atmosphere don’t generally have a reason to hate themselves, initially”. People raised with Love don’t regularly try to numb an intense hurt in their heart which is so extremely painful they prefer inebriation over any simulation of awareness.  And more importantly once the true reasons surface in their appropriate and natural order….we need to develop ways to get them out that are healthy.

Most addicts wouldn’t know an emotional beat down if it literally hit them in the face. And it’s not their fault…it’s not their fault. But if your tired of being an arms length away from a drink and want true recovery it’s gonna take addressing the true reasons absent the rationalization of “it’s disease.”

Let’s put it this way…WE ADDICTS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD AT SNOWING OUR PEERS AND PEOPLE….WE LITERALLY HAVE CONVINCED OURSELVES AND THE WHOLE WORLD THAT ALCOHOLISM IS SOME OBSCURE DISEASE DRIVEN BY A ROGUE GENE POOL. LOL The medical field kinda believes it and it has become the status quo of addiction topics, rehabs in spite of there not being an ounce of real proof to back it up.

Addicts are emotionally sick because of trauma of one sort or another USUALLY not present in their memory.

Solutions to pain.

You Must have Mistook me for Someone Who Gives a Shit

Truly some people who really do give a shit have no idea or ability to show it in a Loving way.

At least that’s what I am hoping considering the actions of many people in the world today.

We have all heard the sarcastic comment that rolls off the tongues of those who want to make known to us all that they don’t care about us or anyone.  They pretend they cannot be hurt because they are emotionally bullet-proof.   I don’t know about you but I have made peace with the fact, that I am human and like to know I am cared for, liked, and loved.     Thing is, with this awareness of the vulnerable human condition of my own heart comes more unpleasant truths.

After ten years of deep meditation and sobriety I realize it was my sick parents, NO, my very sick parents who set up camp at the core of my self-worth taking  turns with exacerbating and brutal jabs at me as a person.   From conception till now they made known to me my utter worthlessness. Everything about me was wrong in their eyes.  Maybe it was themselves who they saw when they looked at their beautiful baby girl.  Clearly my parents taught me to loath who I am.  They shamed me to the point I hid every aspect of myself.  I hid my pain, my joy, my fears, my love, my excitement because I learned from them that if it came from my heart it was bad and wrong.

Fuck you Dad, fuck you very much!  Not only that they fed me to the wolves at a tender age to be sexually molested by a second cousin whom they knew was a sick bastard.  They hurt me very deeply with their deep dark repetitive, shaming, subliminal messages in my formative years and through life.  And the tricky part, I don’t think they ever realized what they were doing to me.  And most importantly I had no idea I was either neglected or abused in any way.    I didn’t know what emotional neglect and mental abuse looked like coming from a parent.  How could I at that age?  The beatings were spankings and the belittling was discipline all for my own good of course.  When I became an addict I poured all the guilt on myself, I took all the blame for who I was, thank God my eyes finally were opened.  Thank God.

So! In the spirit of “moving-on” I put my own heart’s’ voice first by saying “I am hurting” and put it ahead of the need to forgive others. Because the vital step of forgiveness is nearly worthless if we don’t take care of our own emotional pain first.  I must refrain from calling my feelings character defects.  They are part of who I am.  And I became aware through meditation and staying sober that the “pack-mentality” (they did their best don’t blame mom and dad,bla, bla, bla, defend them to the point of blindness etc.)  defense toward my family was killing me.  And the self condemnation was also killing me.  So I held on to my emotionally traumatic resentment for a good year while working on/processing the severe trauma by neglect that I suffered at the hands of those I clearly mistook for someone who gives a shit.

How do I know I need empathic therapy?

I will stop here to let you know how certain issues that do need addressing rear their ugly heads in recovery.  Are you angry at others allot.  Or just angry?   Depressed?  Anxiety?  Are you suffering from sick relationships?  Hate/Love type relationships or maybe you can’t handle relationships at all.  If after a couple years of 12 step work we still suffer from chronic irritability it may be time to cry, scream, share, talk, out and journal your issues with someone WHO DOES GIVE A SHIT.  Or someone who at least knows how to listen to your feelings and concerns and respond with the following qualities::   Please know empathic healing from deep traumatic wounds cannot happen by having an “our part” pointed out to us or by searching for character flaws.   Healing won’t happen by assuming that re-visiting pains in the quest for healing is always morbid reflection and self pity.  The 12 steps do work in some ways.   And God does heal, sometimes. But in Alcoholics Anonymous people invalidate and minimize trauma feelings that are at the core of most addictions.  Yet they write them off as if all our feelings of hurt are a character flaw that needs repressed.

That attitude is what got me sick to begin with for this a attest I was in recovery for years but now am finally recovered.

Mirroring- To convey understanding by reflecting back what has been expressed or indicated.  (repeating back our words in a way we know we are being heard and understood. Example:  “It sounds like your feeling frustrated because…”

Affirmation- Validating basic human rights and qualities. “It’s normal to feel…”  “I can understand why you would feel…”, “You have the right to be angry”.  “You know what’s right for you.”

Relating- Sharing our own similar experience.  “That happened to me too, I felt so abandoned.”

Caring-  Expressing our own feelings and perceptions to convey caring and support.  Example:  “I admire your strength and courage.”  “I feel sad you went through that.”

Sometimes these four little steps are all the lie between anxiety and peace If we exert the courage to open up to someone who won’t shut us down.  There is a reason some people are easy to talk to.  And on the other hand all some people know how to do in a conversation is seek out a vulnerability and attack.

Not everyone needs spanked by their AA sponsor.  Some people can pick up the Big Book with the help of some guiding prayers and do the most honest and thorough fourth step you have ever seen.  Some people will take it too far because they have been condemning themselves for their entire lives.  Granted few people don’t use the fail-safe of “accusing blame” when they are suffering deeply.  Finding a balance as to when we have been wronged and deeply hurt and those slights that run off us like water on a duck.  Once we build self worth by one esteem-able act at a time we won’t be so easily offended.  But in my case here recently I was wronged repeatedly by a family who I must forgive.  But forgiving is sometimes a process that should begin with self-respect and self Love.  By validating our hurts we can then let them flow out with the tears.

Addicts can only endure so much guilt until we need to shove some off on somebody else.  Make it their fault instead of our own.  Problem is we usually end up condemning those we Love most.