I let all my secrets out of the bag with my first sponsor who is now passed away. She was a counselor at Bridge House who by no coincidence helped me and several other women learn how to heal from grave emotional disorder and addictions.
We are all still sober today that was in 2006. I remember one of the counselors was talking to me. I was sharing my horrific past with him and all the tie I told him of my tragedies I had a twisted smile on my face which was helping me to NOT FEEL the emotion attached to the stories. It was my safety net I would not feel my past! He looked at me and said “Lori what you are telling me is traumatic and yet you are smiling”. At that moment all of my feelings connected back to my body. I was no longer cold as stone separated from my real life. When I finally allowed my feelings to re-attach themselves to me I was able to start processing my past. Things that I should have cried and wailed over but didn’t were making me sick. Prior to that I had gone to a woman’s meeting where all the woman cried and felt their pain. I was stone cold, I walked out of that women s group and told my soon to be sponsor/counselor that ‘I had no business in that women s group
BECAUSE I HAD NO EMOTIONAL PAIN” and at the time I really believed it, that was how deep in emotional denial I was. But my feelings buried and festering were coming out sideways in hate, resentment, and self-loathing. I was buried alive in guilt and shame. I used to turn red with shame regularly. I was so deep in shame that I had a cancerous tumor grow in my leg till finally it was surgically removed in 2000. My counselor told me that people that take out their pain on others by yelling at them and attacking verbally and wrathful people have heart attacks and people that repress their emotions and bury their pain get cancer.. That was me. Since then I have learned how to let it all out. I spent years processing by crying, screaming in my car (not at people like I mentioned) When I wailed and moaned guttural sounds little by little the grave emotions left my body. We were taught to do that in therapy. the first time I heard one of the girls do the guttural sounds it made me very uncomfortable. I felt shocked that it was somehow wrong and she was absolutely insane. But she had been in group longer than me and showed me how to save my life emotionally. Moaning hurts no one. It’s a natural process when we get sober that the past resurfaces in us from deep in our bowels. We ask ourselves “what’s wrong with me why do I feel like I lost my best friend yet nothing bad has happened?” I was told that I need to cry about the intense events in the past that I never allowed myself to feel.
Doing a through fourth step accompanied with daily prayer and step eleven meditation goes hand in hand with therapy and therapeutic exercises. I didn’t make this stuff up it was given to me as solutions to anxiety attack, panic attacks, fear and shame