I grew up in the 70s in Tampa. There was Cocaine everywhere. Long story short I became deeply addicted to injecting ether based Cocaine. After a few years and a few overdoses I ended up with the worst paranoia and fear I can imagine. I had one overdose where I died and was brought back with CPR. I literally went to death and hell and a place of bondage that I could not get out of. Thank God I was given CPR it was like clawing my way out of Hell. I did not come back easy. After that I was plagued with anxiety attacks and paralyzed with panic from my experiences with Cocaine and the things I did while using it. I ran, I got as far away from my enablers as I could. I then desperately sought God in any place people worship. I found what I was looking for by His Grace.
My Cocaine and addiction deliverance was like a blessed download from Heaven.
When I was delivered from Heroin and Cocaine addiction the first time around I was clean for years I stayed on a pink cloud (joy, peace, happiness) for at least a year. Prior to that I was plagued with anxiety, and panic attacks, I was a heroin and cocaine junky who had to have a shot of dope to get out of bed in the morning. After one touch from God my thinking and feelings were changed dramatically. I no longer had anxiety or panic attacks. After one touch I like to call a “download” from God in a little Baptist church in the meadow. As windows 8 calls it, by one “refresh” I was set in a direction of service and Love toward mankind. I received a new operating system with my files or memories left intact. My resentments were quelled and my sickness abated. I loved my mother again that in itself was a miracle.
The 12 Steps keep me spiritually and emotionally healthy
Let’s face it folks steps 10, 11, and 12 are the maintenance steps when I meditate I get spiritually fed, I get a disk defrag, a disk cleaning, and vital updates. Why is it different this time clean and sober for me? Granted I had much joy my first round of sobriety, I learned allot, I changed in a huge way morally and I became Loving but God had only begun my overhaul. The first time I was sober I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that I was a good child of God. I believed with my head but my heart deep down was telling me that I was bad and of Satan. I still carried deep shame within my heart from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child and my actions during years of addiction. Deep down I knew I would screw things up again. Why?
There are three things that I did different this time (I got sober this time in 2006) One; this time I worked the steps with a sponsor honestly and thoroughly, everything came out in my fifth step. Two, I got empathic recovery therapy and learned how to continually share my true, illogical and fearful heartfelt inner feelings. People are usually ashamed of their true feelings because nobody (well most people) wants to be vulnerable or be looked upon as different. The thing is everybody except perhaps true sociopaths have illogical fears and deep child-like feelings that they don’t like about themselves. So we cover them up with the mask, distractions and lies. Therapy taught me to vent these feelings so they don’t fester, or turn to rage, and obsession. Thirdly this time I practiced meditation on a regular basis for the first six years I was sober. What this did is open my mind to receive God’s blessings. Meditation improved every aspect of my recovery and most importantly helped heal me both emotionally and spiritually.
When I say “meditation” I don’t mean picking up a book and reading a passage. I am talking about the kind of meditation that takes an hour a day to be still, silent, and open. Meditation when practiced regularly brings a steady flow of continuous spiritual experiences that can move mountains and heal the heart the soul and the mind.
Funny thing…different things have different ways of communicating. Animals have their own way, humans speak to humans verbally, computers have their own language, electricity speaks to the light bulb and it reacts, the light speaks to our atmosphere and it reacts and becomes visual, the sun speaks to the flower, the moon speaks to the Earth, even water speaks to our bodies and we live. Action and reaction but how does man speak to God? Should we use our tongue as if God were a man that has ears…perhaps so but God my friend “looks upon the heart” so it is written. Should we not try seeking God with words straight from our heart and then talk to Him with our minds as well?
Seek and you shall find but seek with your hearts language for it is the language of truth absent of all the editing that our mind thinks should be done. For out of the heart bursts forth the well-springs of life. Eternal Life“
What is logical to the mind is folly to the heart and what is truth to the heart is valid to God.”