Imagine you are in a relationship for 10 years

Imagine Your in a Relationship for 10 Years
Poll of the Week

Imagine you are in a relationship for 10 years and all is going well.
There is romance, trust and love between you both. Then all the
sudden you meet someone new and you cannot get them off your
mind. There is an unstoppable attraction that is driving you nuts.

Hammock Buddha hails from Japan and he just posed that question
in the polls. The reaction has been nothing short of extraordinary so
please visit the link above to login and kindly share your thoughts!

Find the answers to this question here…click now….



This is not an anti A.A. website, please randomly read any article and you will see that.  However XXX Anonymous is a friend of RFH and we have allowed her to vent in an article.  If you have some helpful feedback please post it at the bottom of the article.



My name is XXX Anonymous and I am an alcoholic.  I have struggled to stay sober for years.  I have tried and tried beating myself up all along the way.  Once I got ten years sober from an intense born-again spiritual experience in a church.  Well I am still born-again and love Christ but I have relapsed 8 times since that experience.  I am not trying to compare which is better church or AA because I have learned that 2 good things are 2 good things.  They don’t cancel each other out and they are not in a race or competition.  I also learned that the 3 things people use to stay sober are spirituality in what-ever way we can get it, therapy, and AA.  I do know that health issues can keep a person sober and “relationships” sometimes work.


I got sober this time on April 18, 2015.  I know for a fact that I have exactly 100 days sober or 3 months 9 days sober, or  0.27 years sober due to the sobriety calculator on this site.  Big deal!  I do hate myself for not having more clean time!!!!  Well this is what happened.

I got a sponsor who helped me so much that I had nearly a year sober.  I brought her to my house and introduced her to my family and husband.  Come to find out she has a lesser secondary addiction called “SEX ADDICTION“.  Which okay  I don’t judge her for that but It really hurt me that my sponsor betrayed me like that.   I did fire her and get a new one.
Condemnation from my fellows

So I worked through the betrayal and then my doctor who knows I am an addict put me on a medication for pain.  I had a bad accident and the pain was causing me to stay in bed.  When I told one or two of my friends in the program about it they told others and then the whole group knew. (another betrayal)   If that wasn’t bad enough a women confronted me when I picked up my medallion.   She said “your not sober your on the prescription drug bla bla bla”.  I had no idea that drug addicts are known to abuse the drug my doctor put me on.


I get tired of so many people in meetings pretending that their lives are the picture of serenity.  They never have any problems or struggles or emotional issues.  They get sober and then all is well and perfect.  That’s not the way that it is for me.  And I don’t believe it is for them either.  I know normal people who have day to day struggles.  I know alcoholics that have day to day struggles why do they think they have to portray a perfect life?  That makes me feel lesser than.  It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.   And I feel like the way that I work the 12 step program must be wrong because I do have difficulties and temptations and sad days and stress and anxiety.  Yes I have good days too and lots of them sober but I didn’t join AA so I could be a social icon who everyone wishes they were because I am perfect.  ridiculous that’s why I appreciate Recovery Farmhouse because it portrays real life recovery not some fake bullshit perfect life.  Work the steps once then its happy joyous and free all the time, right?


Really?  The AA club I go to acts like if you ever get a resentment then you failed your test in recovery, you got an ‘F’ on your sobriety report card.  But really in real life everybody gets pissed off at people and has to pray for them until the resentment is finally gone.  So why do so many members want to make AA a place where you can’t be honest about short-comings or you will be dis-fellowshiped or labelled as spiritually un-fit?

That’s it.  These are the reasons I resent AA at the moment.  My sponsor says you can’t get recovery while you look down your nose at it.  She says pray for everyone and do a fourth step to figure out why I am mad at myself and God.


I still go to meetings.  I won’t stop because it’s the best thing I can do to stay sober and work the steps.  I keep  meeting new people so eventually maybe I will find people who don’t portray perfection and the perfect life.  Because in A,A. seems there are two types of people.  Perfect people, and totally worthless people.  Right now you see my problem?  These people don’t know the definition of balance.



I want to thank Laura Edgar for publish this article on her website.  She said that all aspects of A.A. are allowed on this website and no one will be excluded as long as they are in alignment with the “singleness of purpose” declaration which is “the only requirement for membership IS a desire to stop drinking.”  And to “carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”  Thank God that Bill and Bob knew better than to make a bunch of membership requirements.  They were the right men for the job weren’t they,

By XXX Anonymous






Why would people who need help so badly run from the very program that has helped so many with the same malady? Without the ingredient of ‘desperation’ the alcoholic addict will try anything except giving up and signing over power to a sponsor and A.A.
What would keep me from being teachable?
1. FALSE PRIDE AND SHAME-, False pride tells me that if I don’t know literally EVERYTHING then I am stupid, wrong, and bad. False pride says that only the most brilliant people are qualified to teach me anything. Working the steps and getting a sponsor curtails the lies my psyche is telling me to keep me sick.
2. . TRUST ISSUES Clearly I can’t get a sponsor because everyone is out to get me. The world revolves around my belly button therefore the world wants to know my fifth step and if I get a sponsor, he will sell tickets to the opening night show. “Mickey’s Fifth Step on Parade”. Yikes! However, realize this; there are only so many deadly sins. Seven to be exact. Most people’s step five are pretty much the same…boring sex, wrath, thieving, and the like.
3. FEAR OF COMMITMENT Omg! In my past addiction I made so many appointments that I could not keep. I am now gun-shy of commitment. I use words like ‘maybe’, ‘probably’, ‘most likely’ but never ‘yes I will be there’. Commitment is hard for me because of my past failures to keep them. The good news is now I am so desperate to get sober that I WILL KEEP MY APPOINTMENTS WITH MY SPONSOR NO MATTER WHAT. In addition, by doing that I am walking through the fear and building my self-worth. I am working the good principles and that magically feeds recovery to my soul.
4. FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED BY OTHERS I used to hand over power to my partners to make them feel good so I could get what I wanted from them. After they made my choices for me (so I would not have to fear the outcome), they would put me on a time clock. Where are you going? What time will you be back? Whom are you going with? etc., etc. After a while, I would snatch back the power I had turned over. My codependent dance partner would then suffer from intense anger and lash out at me as if I had done something terrible. Won’t a sponsor do the same thing? Won’t the same sick dance take place? Fortunately not. Sponsors know we only suggest, we do not control our sponcees. We suggest to them what worked for us. It is my choice whether I do what is suggested therefore I reap the good consequences of my new actions.
5. ‘FEAR OF RELIGION’ . Religion told me that I am bad and going to Hell. I believed it. I was young and innocent yet they told me of a place of suffering and despair. Moreover, since I was bad, spilled my milk, and made an F on my report card they said I would surely be sent to the lowest pit in the underground skyscraper called “Hell”. I cannot bear to be terrorized by religious views anymore. AA must not be religious, we are a spiritual program. Step 11 proves that we are a spiritual not religious program of choice. There is no Hell in our Big Book.
6. THE FEELING I AM GOING TO LOSE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. My addict is scared to death of not having the drugs that worked to suppress my fears and emotional pain for so long. NOW MY DOPE HAS STOPPED WORKING. I have hit a brick wall. I drank and drugged repeatedly so many times I nearly killed myself. Therefore, I walk through the fear and distrust. I muddle though the past betrayal, I walk in the rooms, shrouded in shame and I say with all my heart; I am Mickey and I want to change, I can’t go on like I am, please show and teach me how to recover.



If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises?  We think not.  They are being fulfilled among us____sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them.


Read a similar article by Martha Lockie)



So they tell us in rehab and so we know is true, but not only that.  We are also learning to trust  others all over again.


Trust is built by one fearless choice at a time, trust in ourselves, trust in others and trust in our Higher Power.
We came from a dark place where trust was very dangerous and led to betrayal.  It’s absolutely natural that we would choose to NOT trust easily or anyone for that matter due to our pasts.  But if we don’t trust we are keeping up emotional walls around our hearts so deep that they are at the level of our soul.  These walls block not only betrayal but true Love.  Being made aware of our trust issues while recovering from addiction gives us the courage to extend baby steps of trust in our fellows & Higher Power.  We experiment with trust and reap the results.


It is a perfect beginning when we pray the third step prayer with faith and wait to see what God will do.   Expectations of a perfect life is a set-up for a let-down.  But as we make the right choices we watch how our Higher Power gives us just what we need. 


We may feel something like this member when we start building new sober relationships:  “I have chosen to begin trusting a man whom even now I know is only human. I have hope he will not betray this trust I have given. If he did, I would (presumably) have to feel the pain that would be nearly unbearable.   I have made this choice cautiously and initially, fearfully.  


She is so right, we do not know what the future holds, and watching people’s patterns of interaction with others gives us audience to how they will also treat us in spite of their self-advertisements.


Like the proverb Jesus spoke, if we are faithful in small things we will be trusted with big things.  Regarding others trusting us…we have earned our distrust while living the addict life.  Trust starts small, keeping a friends confidence, following up on commitments etc. They tell us in re-hab, expect distrust; you have earned it. And we surely had.  So we give our trust now cautiously and carefully.  As for our old friends and family…well they may never trust us again we try to understand why.  It is far better to understand than to be understood.  Why?  Because with understanding comes inner peace all we get is a little satisfaction when we are understood.  On the comparison chart peace of mind has spiritual depth satisfaction is shallow and un-spiritual therefore not nearly as beneficial to us.


But the most important part of all this recovery-trust stuff is that without trust, “Love” pure and precious is stifled. When our caring for others has been betrayed we pull out our paper and pencil and ask: What did I learn? What is the life lesson? We allow ourselves to cry, we admit we have been hurt that way can trust and Love again this is our new emotional process it is healthy and does not shut out life____________________________________



Killing by AA Cliche


I have a razor sharp cliche and it’s aimed at YOU!  YIKES!  Like “Keep comin’ back”.  Everybody in A.A. knows that sometimes it is code for “your an idiot maybe if you come to enough meetings you will grow a brain.” Or how about “some are sicker than others” which is code for “your way sicker than I am buddy!”

Emotional Sobriety 101

 I want to investigate the topic of AA cliches and some common uses for our little sayings.  Keeping in mind that if we did not have human weakness, fear, shame, regret, guilt, remorse, joy, happiness, sadness, we would be sociopath.

What is the fine art of killing by AA cliché and who is it that uses such ratchet techniques?    Firstly anybody who has been around the rooms for a while knows that we in AA have lots and lots of little helpful sayings that when we apply them to ourselves and put them into action not only do they aid us in our recovery but they can save our lives.

Also, when we are trying to make a helpful point to others in a meeting, giving advice to those who ask for it or telling our story at jails or institutions we quote the cliche to help make our point. These sayings also help the newcomer remember the solutions by adding the little saying to their recovery toolbox to put into action.

Oftentimes it’s easier to remember a catchy phrase and put it to use than to remember the principles and instructional paragraph size readings behind the phrase. Sayings like “Out of the problem into the solution” are priceless to an addict who is spinning around inside their mind and obsessing on a fear. We remember to just get out of the fear by choosing a solution and taking that action.

So what’s killing by cliché? Can such wonderful things as our innocent AA sayings be used in a wrong way? I don’t know can the bible be used in the wrong way? Hell yes and often!

An AA cliché is best used with the RIGHT MOTIVE and the right meaning; right motives behind the cliché are vital . When the alcoholic is still miserable, suffering from low self-worth and has a boat-load of wreckage yet to clean up from their past or present the old survival skills are still in place. They are still hurting, sick and suffering. Lashing out at others sadly brings them relief. Putting other people down is the only relief and form of self-worth they can get right now. They either don’t have the healthy and respectful solutions for emotional pain or they have chosen not to use them. However most of us sober or not do know right from wrong we know that in AA if we blatantly attack someone verbally our fellows will call us on it. The verbal attacker would be ostracized publicly and shamed for being mean and disrespectful. So instead the attacker do a little passive aggressive dance. They seek out emotional vulnerabilities in others such as a newcomer who has the courage to admit they are afraid or an old-timer who has the courage to admit they are going through an emotional time. This is how we get help and feedback. But the emotional butchers hone out addict traits in people with their high powered alcoholic perception and strike with the AA sword lopping off the emotional head of the recipient striking fear in them to never open-up in a meeting again.

Under the guise of “telling the truth” (truth should be tempered with respect and care even gossip is often truth) they cut off the emotional head of their vulnerable fellow by teaching them to never open up in a meeting again. Healthy emotions are indicative of talking about our problems, crying, venting, journaling, processing not stifling, repressing, hiding and denying that our feelings are there, that my friend is how we got sick to begin with. “We are as sick as our secrets.”

Sharing experience strength and hope is done by hearing the topic of the first share person and then asking ourselves can I relate to that, if so how, what solutions worked for me when I went through THAT SAME THING. By sharing that we undergo or have undergone the same personal and emotional struggles, and fears as the original sharer we don’t put them on the defensive or belittle them. We don’t punish them for having trouble staying sober. If we can’t relate to them maybe we are not an alcoholic regardless if we don’t relate then we have no business sharing advice. We don’t punish them for struggles or ignorance, we are not better…we are just perhaps in a better place.

It is by the Grace of God that we are sober when we start sober bashing with clichés we hurt ourselves and others. When we quote an AA cliché we should share what it means to us so the newcomer understands the right use, the loving use for the saying. “Keep it simple stupid” is one perfect example of killing by cliché. These sayings were not made so we can call the alcoholic wrong, stupid and bad and engage in fault-finding and criticisms while we are pretending to be helpful. the cliches should not be used to set ourselves above others by belittling.

“Help others do no harm”. Recovery is not a lesson in how to further harden our hearts and teach others to do the same. Recovery is about staying sober and becoming better people.

Two Rights Don’t Make A Wrong


FAULT FINDING IS THE COUNTERFEIT FOR SELF-ESTEEM AND A TRUE FEELING OF SELF-WORTH.  Fault finding will replace self-esteem for a while until  we can do the next right thing long enough to actually build some.

Why is it that we see on all recovery websites and AA, NA chat rooms people are always looking for someone or something to pin the label “BAD” or “WRONG” on? It just never fails, and why?

Anyone who has worked the steps thoroughly and honestly knows that their most common character defect or carnal survival skill has been “BLAME” in the past.  

BLAME comes in many forms such as: attack, accusation, criticism, gossip,resentment,self-pity, and hate, even righteous indignation. These all reek of blame. The state of “blame” is a state of denial. Even if our blame is in the form of righteous indignation it is still a state of denial. When we blame others we are denying the real core reason for our yucky feelings.

We in recovery must learn the hard hard lesson of not only taking responsibility for our own feelings by owning them but also finding healthy and harmless ways of processing those feelings such as;
hitting with a plastic bat, punching bag, punching a pillow, writing, the [fuck you] letter that we never send, screaming, crying, sharing with an empathic listener, moaning, groaning, and other guttural sounds all promote release of emotions from the gut and relief. If we want to heal we have to feel not blame.

All of these method of processing feelings are usually looked down upon by others and considered crazy or weak.  Therefore it is best we exercise them while we are alone in a private place.  Beating ourselves up is not a healthy way to deal with our feelings.  Our hearts are innocent and need to be listened to by us without judgement.

We take our feelings and we write them down; “I feel hate or resentment toward Betty.”  Behind every resentment is fear.  When we find our core fear and ask God to remove it we find peace.

“I am afraid of losing my partner because I feel like I am not good enough I feel like Betty is better than me so I hate her” Wow! Was that so damn hard? Its ok to admit being afraid and feeling [less than] when we have solutions for that state of being.

Remember feelings do not have to be logical.  The fourth step work is an ongoing tool that should not be thrown by the wayside after accomplishing it one time.  Doing the fourth step should be a way of life in addressing every one of the blame characteristics listed above.  Humans fear they are not good enough especially if they were relentlessly taught that in youth. 

We can feel yucky without blaming anyone for it. Feeling bad does not mean we are weak it means we are human.


FLAVORS OF BLAME: attack, accusation, criticism, gossip,resentment ,self-pity, and hate, even righteous indignation are all by-products of blame. Addiction is a disease of denial which travels through the psyche in many ways. Denial or the lack of knowing how to take responsibility for our own feelings and blaming others for our feelings is the number one cause of failed relationships among addicts. The refusal to own our own feelings walks hand in hand with resentment. But don’t be too hard on us, no-one taught us how to process deep dark feelings. Addicts have a huge capacity for emotional pain in turn when we heal we have a huge capacity for understanding and Love. Once we learn how to own and honor our feelings, process them in a healthy way there is no limit to what we can accomplish for Love.

Who knew crying is a healthy emotion, privately screaming is a potent way to release anger. (not at someone) Writing a “fuck you” letter that we never send is an awesome way to release intense feelings of hate. Confessing shortcomings in meetings in a general way is a awesome solution for that defect.

We have the tools, we CAN stay sober and find Love, fellowship, and a psychic change.