Why does HIGH FASHION often imitate LOW-LIFE? And irritating status quo’s

Why does HIGH FASHION often imitate LOW-LIFE?  And some thought on annoying status quos.

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MJ artistically grabs crotch.
chris-brown
Who IS Chris Brown anyway?
mjcrotch
So Artistic!
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Heroin Addict Model Look

Captain Kirk and Numba-One are highly ashamed of the extremely low-riding ghetto shorts and the penis coddling associated with it in Earth 2016.  They are strictly tighty-whitie boys in high rise pants.  And they have that right by God!

First I want to thank Michael Jackson the pioneer of public penis coddling!  He paved the way for the rich and famous male performer to feel their oats and express the male dominance in a song and dance routine satisfyingly and artistically be-knownst to us all.  Big thanks guy in the sky!  More on the penis later.

I have noticed in the last ten years or so high fashion design advertising consisting of various magazines, high-end clothing manufacturers, and very expensive clothing lines portray their advertisements with models who look like heroin addicts, sadomasochists, and even ghetto rats and rap performers who often fondly rest their hands on their penis while on stage or while sporting their saggy baggy shorts.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroin_chic

My partner pointed out that how I see art work is my own perception.   And that maybe the ghetto guy on stage isn’t really holding his penis it just looks that way TO ME.

Check this colorful example in Rihannas apocalyptic male line-up.

 (http://www.wmagazine.com/story/meet-rihannas-four-men-of-the-apocalypse-on-ws-september-cover)  

He is probably right to an extent about my perceptions, that is.  The average ad photos are worth millions and there are no accidents in the placement of the male models hands.  And even so I have been forced to shop at Wal-mart lately.  Which me and my friends rightly call “ghetto-mart” because they built it slap dab in the middle of the ghetto.  And lots of black men yes I said it BLACK MEN walk around with their hands holding their penis and their shorts up killing two pigeons with one crack rock.  Sorry I feel the guy walking around in public with his hand on his dick is somehow degrading to me.  Obviously if it bothers me it’s about me.  In all reality the guy at ghetto-mart doesn’t know or care what I think about him or his penis.   OK maybe dad and his “sex and the human body are bad, dirty, and disgusting” bullshit affected me more than I like to admit.

So I have psycho anal-ized myself in this instance now I will analyze the motives behind high fashions artistic creations and why they may be imitating low life.  Firstly there’s the copy-cat reasons.  Many artists, photographers, high fashion CEO’s etc are merely going with the flow of what some other artist did and it became the “kool” thing to do cause well, IT SELLS.

Personally I dislike status quo-s.  Why?  Because status quo-s  wreak of follow-the-leader mentality.  And the followers don’t have the balls to be who they really are because they fear if people know who they are they won’t be liked.  I used to feel the same way before therapy.  Now I run around screaming for everyone else to jump on the therapy band wagon too so they too can realize they aren’t really the piece of shit that their neglectful and borderline abusive parents told them they were.  So yes follow the leader annoys me.  Because I used to be a follower now I do what I want, write what I want, create what I want, and don’t have any friends lol.  People read my articles for some reason.  But I think since most of my readers are in recovery I am basically the poster child for criticism and passive aggressive jabs.   (not true I have 1 or 2)

Anyway reference my recovery website at https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/ and http://recoveryfarmhouse.net/  for more on how to recover from low self esteem and drug addiction.

So back to these high-end advertisements.    I have been watching TV lately and noticed that Hollywood seems to think it’s wrong somehow to want money or to put value on money.  If your rich and famous your supposed to (by status quo) act like money is garbage and has no bearing on anything at all.  Money is not-important and principle is everything.   I have seen this MO in movies TV shows across the board.  Needing and wanting money is bad!  We must not elude to it ever! Excluding those lovely “it takes a thief” movies where the thief is the good guy and stealing for some grand purpose, our hero deserves that money and the rich diabolical meanie who earned it DOESN’T!  So I relate this status quo to the idea that well-off people are confused and are somehow made to feel guilty because they were born with money.  Granted principles and good character are important but that doesn’t mean that having money isn’t important too or that having money automatically makes you evil.

It’s sad I think that maybe some people think that being poor is automatically virtuous.  And that if your poor you may automatically have principle’s and good character.  This is anything but true.  Money has no bearing on a person’s character.

Uhh – Ohh heading off-track….And what about the Cancer survivors status quo.  You survived Cancer?  You get not only a warm pat on the back but your name is automatically written in the “Virtuous Gold Star book of the good”.  I know this because I have seen how people act around Cancer survivors like myself.  They gruvel around as if they have no right to even breath the survivors air.  When hell, the only virtuous thing about surviving Cancer is the way you gracefully forgive the idiot techs who nearly burn your pubic hairs off because they missed the red radar blast mark by a good 3 ft.  Or the way you forgive the foreign Oncologist when he suggests that the intense burns you suffered on your crotch are actually a yeast infection..lol.  True story folks ya, trust me,,,it happens.  If being a human being and victim of a disease is virtuous then sign me up folks…..old age in itself is a disease.  We all die. (except for God’s pets of coarse who may or may not walk the earth for over a thousand years.  And then there’s the dead guy who everyone knows was the biggest A-hole to ever cast a shadow of death across the main stage at your local AA meeting.  Status Quo says…..”What a wonderful man he was….and such a good friend!  I will mourn the days of this tragic loss for ever and always!”  When in reality you wouldn’t let the guy close to your house if he were the last drink of water in a desert sand storm.

 

Anyway, people who are not used to having money don’t rely on it as much.  Therefore they have the power to give and share when they have it. (not always of coarse).

Personally I wish I was rich as fuck but unless I go to school at the ripe age of 56 I don’t think I will be….ever.

I believe the high-fashion to low-life is linked in either shame, guilt, or envy not sure which or maybe all three.  Rich people who want to imitate being poor may either need to cover up their riches because they have been made ashamed of it.  Or they are deluded to the fact that poor people are automatically principled and envy that.  But who knows which if any marketeers of high fashion are just copying other ads and which are living the lie.

Does that kind of modeling sell clothes to the rich and famous?  It must or they wouldn’t still be paying millions to make a high fashion model look like a low bottom heroin addict.

Life is all social psychology and social psychology is bent on status-quo.  Everyone wants to be liked or they aren’t normal.  People pretend they don’t fear what other’s think of them but at some point we all fear socially.  And we all hate to admit it….unless we have had some great therapy.  Not all therapists know how to really help a person.  Many therapists will invalidate your feelings as fast as an abusive parent would.

Some people are successful in spite of abuse.  They walk into success.  It’s set up for them from the time they are babies.  And that does not make them bad.  What were they supposed to say as their care taker handed them their silver spoon?   “No, don’t give me what I need, please don’t give me my sustenance I prefer to go out and work cleaning toilets for it, maybe someday I will make enough to pay a years tuition at the college of my choice.”

So to every wealthy heiress and inheritor out there; YOUR OFF THE HOOK!  IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT I AM FINANCIALLY DEPRAVED.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT OR A GHETTO PENIS CODDLER for my sake.   If your rich WEAR IT by God!  I SURE AS HELL WOULD.

Here’s the video of Michael Jackson being interviewed by Oprah who begs the question, “Michael why do you keep grabbing your penis during performances”?

 

Why Am I an Alcoholic?

Why Are Addicts in so Much Emotional Pain?
Why do addicts seem to have a proclivity towards self destruction?

Why are addicts so inclined to blame others for their own choices?

And the biggie, why do our sponsors teach us to not ask “why”?

Answer number one: I was in so much pain that I needed to numb myself due to a life-time of hiding away my true identity. By hiding intense feelings and thoughts away my pain lived inside me till I finally was taught how to let it all out.

Because of emotional neglect and a lack of spirituality I suffered pain. Notice I said “neglect” not “abuse”. Many alcoholics have good parents who have no idea how to emotionally nurture a child in their formative (young period of development in which our emotional patterns are formed) years. Our parents basically without meaning to, teach us we are bad, wrong, lesser than, and don’t really deserve a good life. At the age of 0-8 we have no idea what true love and caring should look like. I myself did not realize this until the intensive work I did into my past by both group therapy and a brilliant psychologist who had been through the same neglect and tearing down of his self-worth.

Once I believed I was a bad person I reasoned I would prefer to be a good person doing bad things so in an effort to fix myself (subconsciously) I engaged in a life of bad choices. Always struggling for the attention and nurturing my parents were incapable of giving. I started every day from the platform of low self worth. I beat myself up endlessly in hopes that if I punished myself enough I would again be a good person who deserves Love. . I hid myself and my emotions away because I believed they were all bad and wrong. Surly no one would like me if they knew who I really was. There is a deep price to pay for holding in who we really are and how we really feel. A body is not made to repress so many intense feelings. I caught Cancer by the time I was thirty-five partly because of repressing emotions. A large tumor had to be cut from my thigh. I was the great “repressor”. But the “screamers” (those addicts who yell at other people often) who also hide their true selves away, commonly suffer from heart attacks and strokes. ( My doctor’s theory not mine but I experienced that theory first hand.)

You see once I found a drug that numbed that pain it became my best friend. People who don’t have the pain that addicts have simply don’t react to drugs and alcohol the way those in deep emotional pain do. Common sense if you think about it. We are way over-thinking addiction in America. It’s really simple.

I was self-destructive because the fear of living so many years in great pain is a scary thought.

Blame is the most wide spread way of distracting and deflecting the responsibility of what I had done, who I really am and how I really feel. If I am blaming someone else then I don’t have to look at my guilt, shame, pain,fear.

In AA they teach us to not ask why because they themselves have never had the opportunity to answer their own question of “why did I drink and drug, why did I need to numb myself”.

Unfortunately if we don’t look at the “why” behind our addiction then we can never really find a healing.

The program works if we get a God breathed miracle and IF we do an in depth fourth step that brings into the light all of our shame and fear.

If all we do is list our wrongs and not talk about our deep and intense fears, shame, and feelings then the program is just a band-aid. And when the program is just a band-aid you will need that aid the rest of your life, just life so many people preach in AA. That the old timer is just as close to a drink as the newcomer. That’s true if the old timer hasn’t done the work on his core issues of shame, fear, and hurt.

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So what are the solutions?

The solutions are to rebuild our self worth and find ways to continually process the way we feel and what we think. Also our childhood fears and intense feelings need to be let out. Journalling, writing, crying, screaming, physical exercise coupled with an emotional out-pouring. If we feel horrible don’t lay down. Take a bat and beat the bed with it. Take a whip and beat a tree with it. Buy a punching bag if your a man and include a diary with your workout. Start writing and find out what is really in your head. WRITE DOWN CORE FEELINGS AND CORE FEARS. THE ONES THAT WOULD EMBARRASS YOU IF THEY WERE DISCOVERED. WRITE DOWN THE WEAK AND VULNERABLE THOUGHTS THAT HAVE HAUNTED YOU FOR YEARS. Then share the ones that are ongoing. We need at least one person we can tell anything to, even if it’s in confessional. Work all the steps in depth including shame, fear, and core child-like thoughts and needs. “I want people to love me” “I am afraid” “I hate myself” “I want my fathers love” “Why won’t Mommy Love me?” Our fourth step needs to work on our wrongs and on our deep emotions. We must rebuild who we are by doing step twelve for many years. Not only do we need to address our core issues to heal but we also need to develop new patterns of behavior. We must take our step three seriously. We need to admit that we don’t trust God or His choices for us. And why would we? Look at our past lives and what we have suffered. We need to get real with God Himself. “If your there show me”. Pray from the heart not from some mantra robot prayer.

Lay on the bed. Put your arms straight out to your sides leaving you vulnerable. Now show God your true heart not hiding or covering any of it. Admit to him you are lost and need help but that you don’t really know if He will help you or if He exists. JUST BE REAL WITH GOD.

Join a home group and make commitments to do stuff that is scary to you. Chair meetings, tell your story at a speaker meeting. Chair more meetings. Go to jails and institutions and share your story again. Do this and keep doing it. Every time your scared of relapse write it down and tell God your not trusting Him again and ask for help. Remember the program works and it’s not you that is healing you it is the program/God which you are working that is healing and keeping you sober. “so your OK and your going to be OK”. Ask your self; am I OK right now? Then that is good enough.

Do fear lists on a regular basis. Then find your part (not trusting God/program) and realize your OK. Do step Eleven regularly with positive affirmations of all the good things you have been doing for your recovery.

You are okay if you perceive that you are. Write an autobiography of the most intense childhood experiences and feelings and share it.

Ask God to remove your character defects. Do no harm. Help others. This is the will of God. Never say negative things about yourself like name calling and putting yourself down in your own head.

Give thanks every day to God….aloud. If you seek a spiritual experience to give yourself the supernatural boost that Bill W himself got then go to places that people seek God. I recommend the Pentecostal church because of the laying on of hands and prayer. I also recommend the Catholic Church because of the confessional. Be Catholic for a day and go to confession. The smaller Catholic Churches will accommodate you that.

Finally-make amends to those you have hurt without expectations of their reciprocation. Use a dictionary. Start learning, Set life goals. Eat right. Exercise. Do not engage in sick relationships anymore. If someone brings out the worst in you then it’s time to move on. Quit reserving a beast of burden to blame for your feelings and actions. No one can process the way you feel except you.

Tall order? Yes. Read the book I wrote for more help to really heal. Not so you can drink again but rather so you won’t want to drink again. You won’t want to change the way you feel because you will feel fine. And sometimes you will feel great. And sometimes you will feel like shit but you won’t hold it inside. If your angry you will beat the bad and write down your feelings. If your hurt by someone you will tell them “I am hurt by what you said.” That is if you want an ongoing relationship with them you must quit acting like a stone wall. You share not so people can fix you No. It is your sharing in itself that will fix you. You need noone to fix you but you do need to start sharing the more intense feelings and thoughts.

Show all people respect. All people.

“Paradise for the Hellbound” a book about change

HOW DO I GET CLEAN & SOBER?

If you seek a full recovery from addiction A.A. Works for some people, therapy works for others, and spirituality works for yet others.  Combine all three and you have a chance.

THERAPY

Be sure to choose a therapist who knows how to show empathy not one who just sits there like a bump on a log writing words you can’t see.   I say this because addicts suffer from low self-worth and we already feel like we are being judged. An addict will rarely open up fully to a person unless he feels he will not be judged.  When it comes to therapy for addicts it’s best to have a therapist who has recovered from addiction himself.   And if you can’t find a recovered addiction therapist then group therapy could work because of the feedback and relating.

AA sponsors are there to take you through the 12 steps not to delve into your emotional healing.  The statistics of suicide among recovering addicts is high.  I am basing this on the fact that I know several who have killed themselves while in A.A.  I accredit the suicide rate to the fact that so many recovering addicts don’t get the right therapy.  And they don’t address their true core issues.  The things that we are ashamed of are the things that haunt us.  Past issues live inside us and take on a life of their own.  Past issues make us sick, angry, and trying to fend the pain off causes character defects.

CHURCH

I recommend a Spirit-filled church (holy roller type).  Dry and Spirit-less churches whose members really believe in the gifts of the Spirit don’t have allot of spiritual power.    Make certain that your church at least believes in the power of the blood of Jesus and the laying on of hands for healing and deliverance.   Truly every spiritual experience I have had of high magnitude has been in or around a church where people praise God openly.   Miracles can happen anywhere but it’s more likely to find a miracle at a tent revival than in the bathroom at home.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

There are many non-addicts in church who will not relate to what your feeling when going through a struggle with addiction.   Non-addicts are not privy to the practical solutions that you will learn at A.A.  By the same token many A.A. people don’t know what a complete deliverance from addiction by a spiritual experience is either.  And really isn’t that what actually took place in Bill Wilson’s life the co-founder and author of The Big Book and most of it’s literature?  That spiritual white light experience of his is what prompted the idea for the 12 steps.  So really why not seek both a miracle and sobriety from working the steps?  Why not use both solutions?

The 12 steps are not therapy they address our shortcomings and the need for confession and repentance. (step 4 & 5) You won’t hear it worded repentance and confession in AA confession is called a fifth step.

Every addicted women I have met WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED at some point in their child hood and most were repeatedly molested.   Unfortunately the 12 steps don’t and step-work don’t provide a way for  true “victims” to acquire a healing.  If we hold a grudge toward our assailant then the steps do give place to addressing our resentments.  But simply jotting down the event in a one sentence format and then searching for our own guilt in the experience and what we did wrong WILL NOT HELP US HEAL FROM ABUSE.

Maybe that’s where Bill Wilson just missed the boat on his own emotional healing.  There should have been a step that addresses the pain of the true victims of abuse.  “Victims” are real and not some made up psychological crutch or bad habit.  Yes we need to get past being a victim and the idea can be used as a way to control people.  “Oh poor me give me attention that sort of thing.  In AA they call abuse an “outside issue”.  It’s understandable they are not equipped to handle deep emotional trauma issues.  But in my opinion those issues are why people become addicts.  So the 12 steps alone will only be enough if God touches you and heals you.

That’s it bottom line without God the steps won’t work and without giving rebellious addicts a way to seek God that is acceptable to them they will not recover that’s why the church shouldn’t judge AA and AA shouldn’t judge the church but they do and often.

The steps and Big Book do not tell us how to get an emotional healing from abuse.  And even if you don’t remember being abused, or emotionally neglected it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  Many addicts don’t know what emotional neglect looks or feels like.  They will say they had a fine childhood, “my parents did the best they knew how”.  And they did , except;  why then are we alcoholic?  Emotionally balanced people don’t seek to numb themselves out on a regular basis to the point of self-destruction.  Emotional abuse by a parent can be just as devastating as sexual abuse or violent beatings.   Most addicts subconsciously grow up thinking they are bad and wrong.  Therapy will help us figure out why.  I think if Bill Wilson would have had a better therapist he could have felt free enough to let out some of the feelings that were causing him so much depression.

Bill W.’s depression is well documented. Instead of looking at “our part” on our fourth step concerning  childhood abuse (which by the way, could only be that we held a natural resentment toward our assailant for years and that we are full of false guilt over the event.  We do not grow out of trauma, it will live inside us until we give it a healthy door out.  What we actually need to do is find a way to go back to the events that traumatized us and express the way we feel about it from our hearts core.  Crying, weeping, screaming, moaning, and guttural sounds will do the trick.  But also talking it out with a caring listener who can relate to the pain it caused us.  This can heal us.  In AA they will shut you down quick over expressing past trauma and insist that you forgive or just “get over it!” before you are even able to express your pain.  We usually are unable to forgive until the emotions are properly expressed.  If you get hit in the face you scream ouch then cry! Then you can work on forgiving after the OUCH and tears are out.

JAILS AND INSTITUTIONS

What about rehabilitation centers?
Getting thrown in jail and rehab can be a good thing initially to get sober.  Sometimes we have got to be locked up for the first 90 days or so because otherwise we will not be able to get through the physical withdrawal.  Plus rehab centers teach many things about sobriety.  Having a detox center to help with the withdraw is good.  My theory is get all the help you can!  If your dead from a drug overdose having a house and job won’t do you any  good anyway right?

HOW TO REALLY GET SOBER?

THERE IS NO PERFECT SPONSOR, NO PERFECT REHAB CENTER NO PERFECT DETOX NO PERFECT COUNSELOR, NO PERFECT PROGRAM AND NO PERFECT CHURCH , PREACHER OR THERAPIST.  However, all these imperfect things combined can lead to your imperfect recovery.

A FULL RECOVERY

Yes you can recover.  AA works.  “THESE SICK PEOPLE ARE KEEPING ME WELL”  how ironic.    Those sick people , and they are will teach you how to get and stay sober but you won’t find many that believe in employing all three spirituality, therapy, and the 12 steps.  But that’s what worked for me.  After several years of all three you won’t need meetings anymore, why would you?  Meetings are not the program the 12 steps are the program.  Fellowship though, is a must in the beginning to establish sober relationships with people.  Also it’s suggested we go to 90 meetings in 90 days if at all possible to jump start recovery.  You won’t hear in AA that you will fully recover and no longer need meetings even if it is written in the big book.  Look it up , the word “recovered” is all over the Big Book.

The following are some quotes from the Big Book about being “recovered”.

“I will always be recovering, never recovered.”  This statement is not aligned with the teachings of the Big Book we do recover!

 

 Title Page: “ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism” (I totally agree with him on this one we absolutely do recover, at least I have.)

 

Page 20, paragraph 2: “Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.  (here, here!)

 

Foreword to the First Edition: “We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.”

 

Page 29, paragraph 2: “Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.”

 

Page 132, paragraph 3: “We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.”

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NEXT ARTICLE:

WHAT PEOPLE HATE AND LIKE ABOUT A.A.

http://www.orange-papers.org/

http://leavingaa.com/why-i-left-aa-stories/#comment-123785

These two links are anti-12 step websites.  It appears that the sites were created by disgruntled ex-A.A. and N.A. members.  The Orange Papers site has allot of statistics true and balanced.  The “leaving AA” site is more just a bitch session by people who either have been hurt by people in A.A or they are trying hard to rationalize their own inability to stay sober, you be the judge.  Lord knows I know how guilt can wear on a person struggling to stay sober.  If their blaming keeps them feeling sane without really hurting anyone it’s ok I reckon, let them bitch and criticize as one.   They have a common bond at least.

I like to give a fair and balanced opinion about anything.  Leave it to alcoholics and addicts to have to label things either all bad or all good.  Addicts are notorious for wanting to put the “bad and wrong” label on anything they can.  (myself included at times)  However lets face it there are not many things in this world that are all bad or all good, in fact it is a rarity.  Even a good thing can be overdone until it becomes bad.  But when it comes to inanimate objects they are not usually bad on their own.  It’s the people that are wrong for using an object like a gun or knife for evil purposes.

From what I have read some people end up with oppressive and controlling sponsors in A.A. I don’t doubt that a bit.  I have been a member of A.A. for ten years…this time.  I have met the sick and controlling people.  I have seen the closed-mindedness, the liars and the sick perverted sex offenders by the droves.  As a matter of fact I think child molesters and alcoholism go hand in hand.

What these sites comments say about A.A. is probably true on the most part.  But what they are not saying is that they need to label A.A. bad because to them there is no such thing as something being both good and bad.  IT MUST BE ONE OR THE OTHER THEY SCREAM!

So does A.A. really work?  Well it appears that only 5% of newcomers will pick up a 1 year medallion and only 1.17% will pick up a 10 year medallion and 0.15% will pick up a 20 year medallion.  Now that doesn’t mean that there are not allot of people that stay sober due to A.A. yet leave A.A. for one reason or another.    I know some people who have learned the 12 steps and how to live them. They have people in their lives that they confide in and they are close to God… they don’t NEED the meetings when they have the program.  Maybe others no longer need to sit in A.A. meetings absorbing the sick vibes of all those emotionally handicapped people who frankly don’t open up enough in meetings to get better.  And with good reason.   They would no doubt get shut down and criticized if they actually shared their hurts, fears, and worries the way that they should be encouraged to.

If they could vent they would heal.  If people would get real in the rooms and tell the sick and suffering addict that they understand and have felt that way too then the program would be much more effective.  But instead people sit like vultures in meetings waiting for someone to criticize.  Members use the A.A. cliche’s as if they were weapons to stab the unknowledgable newcomers with.   Newcomers suffer while members make it a fault-finding meeting rather than looking for the similarities and relating.

I have often wondered why is it some people want to make people feel better and other people want to make people feel inferior.  If I were hurt by an A,A cliche’ that a member wielded at me as a newcomer, would I then wield that same cliche’ later?  Wouldn’t I access that the statement was hurtful therefore I would find another way to express a similar thought?  However I do see people using the same tools that hurt them to hurt other people.  It’s not surprising that many people just get tired of A.A.

Granted A.A is the perfect platform for a minister or counselor to catapult his career.  Some groups will allow any member with 30 days sobriety to take meetings into jails and institutions.  These people could have audience to hundreds of people in no time while they share their story and their own interpretation of what the 12 steps really are and how to work them.  Right or wrong if they are offering hope to the hopeless it good.  Service work is a wonderful thing if it’s done with kindness.  It does not take brash, and mean cliche’s to share the program of A.A.

Why are so many members so defensive when it comes to their 12 step program?  That’s simple in the addict mind things are either good or bad so if someone points out one wrong thing with their A.A then that means that the entire program is bad, which in turn in the perception of the insecure addict makes themselves bad as well because they are a member.  An insecure man with low self-worth is defensive because he feels he needs to be to make himself look better…and if his program looks bad he looks bad.

Feeling we need to defend A.A. is akin to thinking we have to defend God Himself who clearly doesn’t need us for It’s defense, It is the almighty It needs no defending because no one can bring it down.  Both God and A.A.  I think the only one that could truly bring down the 12 steps and their programs would be He who established it to begin with (and I don’t mean Bill W. I mean God Itself, Himself, Herself. (Choose your own descriptive word.)

RELATIONSHIPS IN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

IS IT LOVE OR IS IT FEAR?

RELATIONSHIPS IN AA, SOBER IN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS AND LOVE & INTIMACY

How can I tell if I am acting out of fear or if I am really acting out of Love?  When it comes to relationships so many times we throw around the words, “I love you” for the wrong reasons.  We may say the words to make someone feel needed or Loved which in itself is a kind manipulation.  We may say it to make someone feel obligated to us as if being loved has a price tag on it.  Or we may say it because we have been hurt by someone and we want them to feel extra guilty…”how could you leave me for another woman I love you!”

Often-times drug addicts have to learn how to manipulate people to ensure that their using needs will be met.  To make sure that I would have the drugs I needed I had several enablers on a line.  Enablers tend to have their own underlying reasons to enable us but that’s a whole other matter.    So in my mind the numerous “sugar daddy’s” that I had on the line had the following reasons to want me around.  They wanted to be seen with a young and beautiful woman, “hood ornament” per-say.  They wanted sex, of course that’s the most common one.  They just wanted affection and to feel loved.  They wanted to feel important and needed.  They wanted to feel masculine, sensual, strong, and beautiful or maybe they just wanted to feel.  And I was there to accommodate and fend off their insecurities.

Armed with this knowledge I would tell them what I thought they wanted to hear and much of that was the “I love you”.  So I lied I cheated, I manipulated and said I love you because of fear.  I was afraid if I didn’t say and do these things I wouldn’t get what I needed to stay well and wanted to feel good.

But what about regular intimate romantic relationships that aren’t cursed with drug addict motives?  Do we still act out of fear and say the “I love you” for the wrong reasons?  HELL YES it happens all the time!  The primary reason is control and fear of loss.  Oftentimes people in relationships tend to act out because they are afraid of losing…especially addicts who no longer have their drink and drug.  Now the sober addict has a person that they begin to obsess on and become way too dependent on emotionally and perhaps financially.  The “I love you” becomes a staunch obligation to the partner rather than a giving and affectionate tid-bit of verbal yummy.  Lol!

So if our partner interacts with other friends do we find ourselves feeling threatened subconsciously and then react by using sex to get then under control?  Or maybe we find a reason why the partner shouldn’t be with their friends like…it’s dangerous, I am worried about you.  Or when they come home do we throw a fit about how worried we were about them because “WE LOVE THEM”.

We can use this thermometer Love is charitable, it is giving, Love does not attack verbally but fear does.  Love does not try to play god, but fear does.  Love would never tell another adult how to live.

If we are concerned about a Loved one then we share our concerns in a respectful manner such as sharing our fears for that person by speaking in the “I” context.  NO “YOU’S” you this you that tends to be an attack.  For instance if my partner is hanging out with his old using friends I could say.  “Wow you must be stronger than me if I were hanging out with my old using friends I would relapse for sure.”

One of the oldest control games in the world is limiting freedom for one’s own well-being for one’s own good.  All people deserve to have peace and freedom.  Once we are adults our mommies don’t control us any longer.  The law and our employers are the only authorities that we endure.  Each man has the right to make his own mistakes.  Each man has the right to have peace in his home.  Sponsorship means we suggest and we ask questions we don’t make our sponcee’s decisions for them that is enabling as well.

We should treat our life-partners or significant others like friends giving them the same respect and freedom we would give a good friend.

 

 

FROM FOCUS ON GUILT TO FOCUS ON INNOCENCE

FOCUS ON INNOCENCE

Imagine your life as a long-running movie.  Now see it made by two different directors.  The first movie, in the hands of the director is a movie about fear, anger, scarcity, and anxiety.

The other in the hands of a different director is a movie about Love, peace, innocence, abundance, and happiness.

One director is your ego the other is The Holy Spirit and the star of the movie is you.  By Marianne Williamson from  “The Gift of Change”.

I have said it before…if you have made it to a sober place and have crawled out of the pits of hell.  Where you were surrounded by violence, shame, betrayal, guilt, pain, remorse, and condemnation, then a window of opportunity is open for you.

It is no accident that you made it out of hell alive,  The only trouble is early sobriety is scary.  Massive fear crops up for the unknown.  And why not!   We have rarely been clean and sober for more than a day or two in years!

No more heaviness we cry!  No more pain we beg our higher power.  Will God really help us through the mess of baggage we call our lives?

Hell yes He/She/It will!  We are valuable children of God!  We deserve to be happy for a while and have peace.  We have paid our dues in spades by god!

Sit back, quit fighting, soak up the recovery in the rooms of AA.  Soak up the sanity that our counselors offer.  Lie down in detox and take the medicine they give to get you over the first big hump.  Then make your way into rehab where you don’t have to be in charge any more.  You don’t have to have all the answers.  You can be a patient instead of a doctor, be a student instead of teacher.

We are all students and we are all patients from time to time.  Become a student now and it will save your future and bless the family you have possibly violated and neglected at best.

The 12 steps are designed to relieve that very guilt.  AA & NA are designed for the insane addict (as I was) who continues to do the same thing over and over expecting different results.  The steps if we take action and do them will show us how and empower us to see our innocence rather than our guilt.

Fear of People will leave us

NINTH STEP PROMISES ARE ON PAGE 83 OF THE BIG BOOK.

FEAR OF PEOPLE WILL LEAVE US

 

Fear of What People Think of Us Will Leave us. Here we go prepare yourself for a new idea contrary to AA tradition.  (Not “The Traditions” more like Gainesville tradition.)  You will either get angry or disagree vehemently, agree to disagree peacefully, or see my point.  Either way acceptance is the key to finding peace when in disagreement. I do care what others think of me and don’t pretend not to.  Seriously…I am not sure that being apathetic or indifferent to what people think is a healthy social quality.  Really I care what my partner thinks of me, my family, and my loved ones. I do GET that it is a social rule in AA to not care however I think something got lost in the translation.  Meaning there is a HUGE difference between “Care” & “Fear”.  Lumping myself in with sociopaths who truly don’t have any “care” of what others think (but they are good at pretending they do) is contrary to healthy social conscience.  In regard to, “fear of people will leave us.”  One of the Ninth step promises.  It is the FEAR of what people think that actually creates problems and is unhealthy.  If nobody cared about what others thought of them…hmmm wonder what the world would really be like.  Social concern is a part of our conscience and keeps us humans in check.  Care and Love are often synonymous.

 

Lack of care for what others think of me does not make me strong or a better person.  Really! Its the ego in defense of a mans own low self-worth that screams from the roof tops “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK OF ME!”  When in all truth we would not be screaming it and harping on it if there weren’t an underlying fear of what people are thinking.  When we have no fear of what others think of us we have no reason to shout from the roof tops that we don’t care what they think.  Simple self-awareness tells me that.  I know what it is to fear people and what they think…I know it well.  I know how it feels to fear what people think of me and to fear yet be myself, yet state my views and show you who I am anyway and walk through that fear.

 

Put in a different light I had to harden my heart to survive addiction.  I had to harden my heart to survive abuse.  I had to make myself not care and put on a social armor of being tuff to survive my very sick past.  Now I have found to let Love in I need to let down the armor of protection that shut it out.  It is totally understandable to adhere to the principle of not caring.  But I no longer live by that rule, I am not a tuff girl, I have emotions, feelings and can be hurt.  I care and it is good it is part of life.  I now have a way to process my pain when and if it crops up so I don’t need the shield of not caring.

 

Higher Power softens the heart, cleanses it, and makes it truly strong.  Love is the strongest power that exists, Love and care are synonymous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ninth Step Promises

Ninth Step Promises click

 

The program does work.  Fear of people and what they think of us will leave us.   If we work the steps and do plenty of step twelve service work.  If we bring meetings into jails and institutions, chair meetings, and work on our core issues and underlying causes.  Furthermore if we build a relationship with our Higher Power and  do a thorough fourth step we will get not only a psychic change but also a spiritual experience that will help us to rely on God rather than mankind for what we need emotionally and spiritually.

“Fear  of people will leave us” is a quote from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It is written under the “Step Nine”  heading in the “Into Action” chapter and considered one of the “Ninth Step Promises”.

This link is to the Twelve & Twelve Step Nine:

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf   twelve and twelve step nine

In the Big Book step nine is on page 76  and starts in the middle of the page.  The ninth step promises are on page 83 starting at the bottom of the page.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt6.pdfNinth Step Promises

 

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THE NINTH STEP PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises?  We think not.  They are being fulfilled among us____sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them.

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I believe that when Bill W. wrote “Fear of people will leave us” in The Big Book under the Ninth Step, what he actually meant was, “fear of what people think of us will leave us.”   

Alcoholics and addicts when in their addiction and early recovery tend to be nervous around other people.  Alcoholics have anxiety attacks, they have the desire to isolate and steer clear of other people often. 

All these symptoms show a fear of being around other people.  But not because they are afraid of being robbed or attacked.  These fearful behaviors stem from our own insecurities and self-loathing.  We addicts often simply feel like other people are better than us.  We are afraid of being judged by others.  We fear getting close to people because they may hurt us emotionally.   We don’t want to set ourselves up for another emotional loss so we reject human interaction and relationships all together.  

We often feel (subconsciously) that if people get to know us they won’t like us much because… bottom line…after years of going against what our own conscience says to us we don’t like ourselves much so how could anyone else like us…we think.   Many times in meetings and around A.A. people will say “I don’t care what people think of me” usually we, say this as a defensive measure to make ourselves look better to  others, as if it is weak and socially shameful to care what others think of us.   

However, caring what people think of us is an emotionally balanced social human trait. So many recovering addicts and people in general say they don’t care what others think of them, yet their actions prove otherwise.   Contrary to what most people in recovery so defensively state, I believe people DO care about what others think and say about them.  Of course that healthy caring can be taken to an extreme and turn into fear of what people think of us.  That’s where lying, dishonesty, faking this and pretending that come into play.  Vanity and false pride are character flaws driven by fear of what people will think of us.

 

It seems like addicts don’t know it’s OK, NOT WEAK to care and it’s normal socially to want to be liked and admired.  Seems some have an inability in their minds to distinguish between fear and healthy concern. Caring is not a bad thing and its human nature to want to dress nice and look good to our fellows.

 

People generally love to be the best at things, be the smartest, the fastest, and be a winner so they can feel good about themselves and look good to others.  Certainly if we were repeatedly taught as children that we are bad and wrong and received little if any parental validation of our feelings and ideas we will carry a low self-identity with us until it is reamed out by either therapy or spirituality.  Until that self-image is changed we will be hyper-sensitive to any perceived criticisms.  And unfortunately once a self-image is burned to our psyche it can’t be removed easily.  Just knowing that our self-image is inaccurate won’t change it.

 

Personally it does concern me when people dislike me or accuse me but I must put it in perspective.  Firstly, I ask myself if the accusation is true.  Then I delve into trying to understand the motivation behind the accusation.  When I understand the accusers reasoning it helps me accept their views.  If their opinion sticks in my craw too long and a resentment grows in me I will pray blessings upon them until I forget about it…works great!

 

Yes I care what people think!  I am not ashamed to admit it.  My admission of care does not make me a weak person, actually it shows I am self-assured enough to not fear appearing weak by that admission. 

  In other words, if someone is overstating the fact that they don’t care what others think of them you can pretty much bet that they’re healthy social caring has morphed into a fearful self-consciousness of what other people think of them.

 

Humility or False Humility?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SPIRITUAL GIFTS ARE?  Part of self-awareness and recovery from darkness into light is to become aware of the good things about ourselves as well as the negative that we process in the fourth-seventh and tenth steps.

 

It is important to embrace our powers given by our Higher Power.  Without the knowledge of our spiritual gifts and special talents our long-term goals could be a little skewed.  Setting long-term goals and projects that match our abilities is part of healthy recovery.  God has a way of fitting our spiritual gifts to our personality type.

 

In other words He/they whatever label you give your HP grants us gifts we can be enthusiastic about, gifts that motivate us.  Here is a list of spiritual gifts that may help you recognize which ones rise-up within yourself.  True humility does not a base or deny its good qualities.  False humility loves to insult the gifted and blessed of God and call them devoid of any good.

I am a child of The King and he does not make junk.  There is a thing called pride in a job well done.  We do the footwork in this program and when we subconsciously acknowledge our good works our self-esteem grows.  It’s not a lie to acknowledge a job well done.  False pride is born of lies that is how we can tell the difference between good pride/false pride and false humility or true humility.  One is born of truth the other a lie.  Please don’t mistake that I am attacking the act of giving God glory for our recovery, of course that is a good thing as well!  I am talking about self-awareness, personal growth, and building; one right choice at a time a new self-image.  A psychic change if you will.

 

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Gifts of the Spirit snip