AA Juggernauts

Please try to apply this to yourself or it won’t do you any good.  Open your mind to free your identity.

Prayer and step three are a prerequisite to all recovery steps and exercises for guidance and direction, for revelation, and epiphany, for self awareness and cutting through the ego .
AA status quos are the AA Juggernauts  that can kill you.  We must allow ourselves to become vulnerable emotionally if we are going to heal.  We must not allow our intellect to stifle what our heart needs to say.  The AA Juggernaut is to follow socially acceptable rules during our recovery process.  By this we would cover up our heart and hide it from real recovery.

My recovery from addiction in short has been about me going through a process of courageous yet simple  action to gain the confidence to be who I really am.  By showing the world my truth of self I am being true to my own heart.  By being true to my own heart and accepting that I am a human being my chronic shame of self has dwindled to near nothing.  My shame is what put me in bondage and my shame is a result of what I was taught about myself as a child.  The wrongs I have done to other’s are in comparison minute details by the wayside of the real reasons for my guilt and shame.  Neither my wrongs or wrongs suffered should be ignored in my recovery process that leads to healing.

Could recovery really be about wrongs suffered?  ABSOLUTELY!  It’s just that, these wrongs happened so long ago we seldom realize or remember them.

I had to learn an emotional processes in and by me that enabled me to get-out the negative feelings from past, present, and fear of future so I don’t get myself sick all over again.  And so the poison that lived in my bowels and had taken on a life of their own have been expelled.  I screamed in my car many times to release endorphins and get out the pain and anger of my past.

Does this strange way of recovery mean I am not talking about the 12 step recovery and AA?  Not at all.  Steps eleven and twelve must be taken seriously and be on-going.  If we don’t build a  habit around sharing our story and telling “what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now” FROM OUR HEART we won’t build the confidence we need, nor will we process the fear and poison and shame living inside us.  Sharing our truth with a like minded and seemingly caring listener is vital to recovery.

Step Eleven meditation is what will reveal many of our core issues to us and bring up the body and mind memories from our original pain.  We should meditate for at least 30 Minutes every other day for years on end.  We also should have a way to allow our anger to escape.  Once we discover who has really hurt us the worst in childhood by teaching us that we are “lesser than” we must process that anger and hurt by writing.  We also process inner pain by harmless physical aggression therapy focused on that pain while “hitting the bag” per say.  If we don’t know our core issues and don’t focus on them during punching exercises we won’t be getting the poison out.  Focus is a big part of the physical exercise to expel our  demons.

A step four is very important so we become aware of the patterns of our character flaws.  Our character flaw patterns are our core level animal survival skills that are usually based in denial of self awareness.  Stuff like blame,  fault finding, criticalness, verbal abuse, name calling, dysfunctional sexual endeavours, drama,  condemnation of self, and deflection of responsibility, ego pumping, and putting others down to make us feel “good, better than” are our desperate attempt to fix what’s broken in us.  But since these C.D.’s are not authentic truths they don’t heal us.  They just deflect and distract our heart from the original pain.

Be aware there is a fine line between identifying a childhood abuser and dysfunctional blame/critisism.  Once we identify an abuser who taught us that we were second rate citizens.  One whom we trusted and loved, one whom told us we were bad, and wrong from the core we should write how they made us feel.  Write at least one “fuck you ” letter (do not send) to process our hurt and wrath.  Every time we get raging mad we should sit down and write some letter of wrath so we can see how we feel and think.  We don’t share these writings they should be brutal and full of rage.  The letters are most needed in our first and second years of recovery.  Sometimes it helps to burn them.  And at some point we should confront our original abuser and share how and what they made us feel and believe as children.  But we should avoid long bitch sessions and critical on-going condemnations except during physical focus exercises like beating the bag or beat the bed with plastic bat.

We share from our heart not from our place of war.   We say something like this to our abuser: “I was so convinced that I was inferior because of what you taught me about myself that I feared all people around me because they were better than me, so I thought.”  This is a healthy typical way to process in the I context.  Do not expect the abuser to fix you or even admit his wrongs EVER.  And don’t do the confrontation until all your other steps 1-12 have been done at least twice.  Find at least one person you can tell anything to and share your most intense fears after putting them on paper.  If the confidant invalidates your heart you must find another confidant who will say “I know just what your mean, I have felt that way too.”

Do you know that you think you are “bad”?  Do you realized that it’s not really your fault?  We were fed the realities about ourselves way before we ever hurt our first victim and committed our first crime. Our reason for deep pain is usually a broken heart which was incurred way before our first girlfriend or boyfriend dumped us.    Why do we defend ourselves relentlessly?  Because we believe in our heart of hearts that we are bad, wrong and inferior.  This perception can only be changed by action and a new way of life.  It is a hard truth to swallow because it goes against our false pride.

Many addicts will never see who they really are because their false pride won’t allow it.  They won’t do these exercises because they balk “socially unacceptable”.  The AA status quo does not support many of my recovery from addiction findings.

We still need to do thorough fourth steps and see our part in situations that we have hurt others.  We still must take responsibility for our own wrongs done.  But we must NOT neglect processing wrongs suffered because they are at the core of our original pain.  They are the “why” behind our addiction.  Why do I need to know the “why”?  Because if I don’t find the core issue behind my pain I will always walk with a poison splinter in my heart, infected, and seeping.  If I don’t address the core infection then I will always be one step away from the next big pain that begs the next drink.  This is the difference between needing meetings always and real healing recovery.  People who have recovered don’t generally need meetings but and they have no reason to want to drink and drug.  Their core pain has been healed and scarred over.  They don’t get depression or paralyzing anxiety anymore.

Often we want our parents to love us so badly that we blind ourselves to the horrible lies they taught us about ourselves.  It took me seven years sober for my worst core issue to finally surface about how deeply my own father broke my heart and fed me to the wolves.

How does a child excel when he is armed with the horrible lie that he is inferior to all people around him?  You did the best you knew how to survive  as an adolescent with a broken heart.  Get out a photo of yourself as a small child.  Look at it, the innocence, the beauty.   From now on when you see yourself remember THAT child still lives in you and needs to heal, she/he needs to be heard by you and others.  Identify the survival characters you have developed to survive emotionally.  Identify the one personality in your mind who is telling you “you’re bad, you’re wrong, your shit, you can’t do it, give up, don’t try, don’t tell anyone what you think or feel” and let that ego know during step eleven meditation that she/he is loved, and it will be okay.  She does not have to be afraid any more.

You have a choice.  You do not have to pick up today.  You can heal, you just need more information and clarity about who you are and why you drank.  There is a valid reason for every character defect you developed.  No one taught you how to emotionally nurture yourself.  Your parents had no idea how to nurture your emotions and self esteem.  They beat you down unknowingly (most likely).  Someone beat you down as a child, my friend, someone did.

God does not make junk.  Society has certain status quos that will kill you if you adhere your personality to them.  That includes AA status quos like, we are never afraid, if we fear it means we are not working a good program (total bullshit) see fear list fourth step for on-going fear solutions.  Or the status quos: we are not allowed to realize we were victims, or we are not allowed to explore wrongs done to us.  Or we are not allowed to cry or be sad.  Or we are not allowed to grieve unless someone dies around us.  People are so (subconsciously)  desperate in AA to process their pain they will grieve about a fellow who dies even though they didn’t even know the guy and could really care less. Why?  Because socially it’s the only time in AA we are allowed to grieve and share our pain openly without being bombarded with comments like, SELF PITY, or labeled some other character defect.  Emotions are not character flaws until someone gets hurt by them.

You have a right to do some grieving for your own reasons.  Your heart is free listen to it.  Do not be paralyzed by it but rather allow it to spring you into action.  THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF WILL SET YOU FREE.


Why does HIGH FASHION often imitate LOW-LIFE? And irritating status quo’s

Why does HIGH FASHION often imitate LOW-LIFE?  And some thought on annoying status quos.

MJ artistically grabs crotch.
Who IS Chris Brown anyway?
So Artistic!
20160806_185157 (2)
Heroin Addict Model Look

Captain Kirk and Numba-One are highly ashamed of the extremely low-riding ghetto shorts and the penis coddling associated with it in Earth 2016.  They are strictly tighty-whitie boys in high rise pants.  And they have that right by God!

First I want to thank Michael Jackson the pioneer of public penis coddling!  He paved the way for the rich and famous male performer to feel their oats and express the male dominance in a song and dance routine satisfyingly and artistically be-knownst to us all.  Big thanks guy in the sky!  More on the penis later.

I have noticed in the last ten years or so high fashion design advertising consisting of various magazines, high-end clothing manufacturers, and very expensive clothing lines portray their advertisements with models who look like heroin addicts, sadomasochists, and even ghetto rats and rap performers who often fondly rest their hands on their penis while on stage or while sporting their saggy baggy shorts.


My partner pointed out that how I see art work is my own perception.   And that maybe the ghetto guy on stage isn’t really holding his penis it just looks that way TO ME.

Check this colorful example in Rihannas apocalyptic male line-up.


He is probably right to an extent about my perceptions, that is.  The average ad photos are worth millions and there are no accidents in the placement of the male models hands.  And even so I have been forced to shop at Wal-mart lately.  Which me and my friends rightly call “ghetto-mart” because they built it slap dab in the middle of the ghetto.  And lots of black men yes I said it BLACK MEN walk around with their hands holding their penis and their shorts up killing two pigeons with one crack rock.  Sorry I feel the guy walking around in public with his hand on his dick is somehow degrading to me.  Obviously if it bothers me it’s about me.  In all reality the guy at ghetto-mart doesn’t know or care what I think about him or his penis.   OK maybe dad and his “sex and the human body are bad, dirty, and disgusting” bullshit affected me more than I like to admit.

So I have psycho anal-ized myself in this instance now I will analyze the motives behind high fashions artistic creations and why they may be imitating low life.  Firstly there’s the copy-cat reasons.  Many artists, photographers, high fashion CEO’s etc are merely going with the flow of what some other artist did and it became the “kool” thing to do cause well, IT SELLS.

Personally I dislike status quo-s.  Why?  Because status quo-s  wreak of follow-the-leader mentality.  And the followers don’t have the balls to be who they really are because they fear if people know who they are they won’t be liked.  I used to feel the same way before therapy.  Now I run around screaming for everyone else to jump on the therapy band wagon too so they too can realize they aren’t really the piece of shit that their neglectful and borderline abusive parents told them they were.  So yes follow the leader annoys me.  Because I used to be a follower now I do what I want, write what I want, create what I want, and don’t have any friends lol.  People read my articles for some reason.  But I think since most of my readers are in recovery I am basically the poster child for criticism and passive aggressive jabs.   (not true I have 1 or 2)

Anyway reference my recovery website at https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/ and http://recoveryfarmhouse.net/  for more on how to recover from low self esteem and drug addiction.

So back to these high-end advertisements.    I have been watching TV lately and noticed that Hollywood seems to think it’s wrong somehow to want money or to put value on money.  If your rich and famous your supposed to (by status quo) act like money is garbage and has no bearing on anything at all.  Money is not-important and principle is everything.   I have seen this MO in movies TV shows across the board.  Needing and wanting money is bad!  We must not elude to it ever! Excluding those lovely “it takes a thief” movies where the thief is the good guy and stealing for some grand purpose, our hero deserves that money and the rich diabolical meanie who earned it DOESN’T!  So I relate this status quo to the idea that well-off people are confused and are somehow made to feel guilty because they were born with money.  Granted principles and good character are important but that doesn’t mean that having money isn’t important too or that having money automatically makes you evil.

It’s sad I think that maybe some people think that being poor is automatically virtuous.  And that if your poor you may automatically have principle’s and good character.  This is anything but true.  Money has no bearing on a person’s character.

Uhh – Ohh heading off-track….And what about the Cancer survivors status quo.  You survived Cancer?  You get not only a warm pat on the back but your name is automatically written in the “Virtuous Gold Star book of the good”.  I know this because I have seen how people act around Cancer survivors like myself.  They gruvel around as if they have no right to even breath the survivors air.  When hell, the only virtuous thing about surviving Cancer is the way you gracefully forgive the idiot techs who nearly burn your pubic hairs off because they missed the red radar blast mark by a good 3 ft.  Or the way you forgive the foreign Oncologist when he suggests that the intense burns you suffered on your crotch are actually a yeast infection..lol.  True story folks ya, trust me,,,it happens.  If being a human being and victim of a disease is virtuous then sign me up folks…..old age in itself is a disease.  We all die. (except for God’s pets of coarse who may or may not walk the earth for over a thousand years.  And then there’s the dead guy who everyone knows was the biggest A-hole to ever cast a shadow of death across the main stage at your local AA meeting.  Status Quo says…..”What a wonderful man he was….and such a good friend!  I will mourn the days of this tragic loss for ever and always!”  When in reality you wouldn’t let the guy close to your house if he were the last drink of water in a desert sand storm.


Anyway, people who are not used to having money don’t rely on it as much.  Therefore they have the power to give and share when they have it. (not always of coarse).

Personally I wish I was rich as fuck but unless I go to school at the ripe age of 56 I don’t think I will be….ever.

I believe the high-fashion to low-life is linked in either shame, guilt, or envy not sure which or maybe all three.  Rich people who want to imitate being poor may either need to cover up their riches because they have been made ashamed of it.  Or they are deluded to the fact that poor people are automatically principled and envy that.  But who knows which if any marketeers of high fashion are just copying other ads and which are living the lie.

Does that kind of modeling sell clothes to the rich and famous?  It must or they wouldn’t still be paying millions to make a high fashion model look like a low bottom heroin addict.

Life is all social psychology and social psychology is bent on status-quo.  Everyone wants to be liked or they aren’t normal.  People pretend they don’t fear what other’s think of them but at some point we all fear socially.  And we all hate to admit it….unless we have had some great therapy.  Not all therapists know how to really help a person.  Many therapists will invalidate your feelings as fast as an abusive parent would.

Some people are successful in spite of abuse.  They walk into success.  It’s set up for them from the time they are babies.  And that does not make them bad.  What were they supposed to say as their care taker handed them their silver spoon?   “No, don’t give me what I need, please don’t give me my sustenance I prefer to go out and work cleaning toilets for it, maybe someday I will make enough to pay a years tuition at the college of my choice.”


Here’s the video of Michael Jackson being interviewed by Oprah who begs the question, “Michael why do you keep grabbing your penis during performances”?


Although I Search Myself it’s Always Someone Else I See _______Elton John

Addicts are really good at one thing…”the game of denial”.  I blinded myself for many years.

Am I an addict?  Addiction is a symptom.  What other symptoms do I have going on that may reveal to me what my addiction was really about.

In a crowded room full of people would I be attracted to the sickest person in the room?  Have my relationships been riddled with abuse and betrayal?  Do I have a problems communicating on a respectful level when I am upset?  Do I fear my feelings because they make me intensely miserable?  Do I have a hard time sharing my fears and opening up to people?  Do I have a hard time sharing my most intimate feelings, hopes, and dreams?  Do I have ANXIETY, ANGER, DEPRESSION, LOW SELF ESTEEM?  What about mental health problems such as depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), PANIC ATTACKS, self harm, suicidal thoughts.  Or learning and earning difficulties, lower educational attainment, difficulties in communicating behavioral problems including anti-social behavior, criminal behavior?

Still after I answered yes to many of these questions I had no idea I was an abused child.  It took me ten years in recovery, eight years in AA working the steps over and over.  A year of trauma in recovery therapy, 7 years of intense meditation and deep prayer.  Until finally I was able to look at my father in a way other than the magic picture I had painted in my mind for so long.

I had to be the one who was bad and wrong, I thought!  My father was an angel he couldn’t have been the one to brutally beat and possibly molest me as a baby.  At best he threw me to the wolves to be sexually ram-sacked at a young and tender age.  He could not have taken a beautiful young innocent toe-headed baby girl and bashed her, crashed her, and dashed her hopes and dreams into oblivion by teaching her that she was basically a third rate human being who had no right to live and deserved to be brutalized and beaten.  He taught me that every aspect of me was dirt.  My body, mind, soul, and spirit.  And to this day that sick bastard doesn’t think he did anything wrong.  He has never said, “I am sorry, I was wrong” about anything.

So I am processing my core issue, the true reason for my drinking and drugging.

Mean-while I hope to enlighten the minds of my fellows.  If I don’t have a disease…you may not have a disease either.  Why claim the disease concept for myself anyway?  Well for me it was a kind of justification for my behavior.  The disease concept lets me off the hook  I am no longer responsible for my actions.  I have an addiction cancer, not my fault!  But now I know different.  But initially, it’s still not my fault. I was coping the only way I knew how. But now I know better ways to cope. And I have way less stressful situations to “cope with”. The good news is that the trauma and child abuse theory for addiction means I have a real chance at a cure IF I do the work. Please, not “cured” to drink and drug again. Cured to not want to drink and drug again.
Addiction is no mystery to me at ten plus years sober. Start with a miserable, insecure, low self esteem, fearful individual who finds a solution to his fear in drugs. He feels better for a time…but then he gets a tolerance to his drug. It no longer has the same effects. The addict is desperately seeking peace of mind in the only way that has worked for him in the past. But his solution fails, AKKKKK!! The addict is driven by a powerful obsession to re-capture the good feelings which alcohol and drugs once provided. He searches like a starving animal seeking food. (hence the obsession) Take away any mans sustenance, starve him, and watch him act just like a sick heroin addict to the point of murder and theft. It’s a viable human basic need full throttle. Addiction falls into the bucket labelled “emotional survival”. The real question is…why is the addict so f**ing miserable to being with? Oh but AA teaches that the “why” isn’t important. Right. The hell it isn’t. Each person when choosing to answer this question in a painfully honest and unbiased way leaving the “pack mentality” behind (protect family at all costs even unto deep denial) will find that the core of his motive for addiction is rooted in his formative years. One step further we find that we had no idea what child abuse really looks and feels like. We ask “why was my self-worth so jaded?” “What made a little innocent child hate himself?” “Who taught me that I was not as good as other people?” False pride screams at the top of it’s lungs; “ADDICTION IS A DISEASE! ADDICTION IS GENETIC! I HAD A WONDERFUL CHILDHOOD! My parents were awesome care-takers. They nurtured and encouraged me. They fed and clothed me. They taught me that I was good and could achieve anything. They rewarded me and never sent me violent or demeaning messages. (Right, that’s why you methodically and habitually tried to off yourself.) Keep telling yourself that my fellow dysfunctional victim, keep listening to the false pride which says there is no such thing as a victim. There is no such thing as emotional trauma. I AM FINE DAMN IT! Just diseased, ya a disease that has nothing to do with the circumstances of my life so I don’t have to work on or address wrongs done TO me.   MY POINT?   How in the name of all that is holy are so many recovering addicts convinced that their addiction has nothing to do with their emotional condition and their childhood.

The right therapy can heal a heart. It’s our heart that has been abused. It’s our minds that are in need of some lessons in child development and some step eleven meditation and long term sobriety WILL bring back the memories that our heart desperately needs to express if we allow it. Don’t let the intellect to minimize, invalidate, & destroy the hearts voice.

Every addict is fearful and emotionally repressed. But don’t expect him to see or admit it until he has been through a year or so of good therapy.

“Bring Me the Horizon’s” Oli Sykes Interviews and Video

OLI SYKES: “Bollocks” to addiction’s, political correctness
I will be candid.  I never heard of this guy or his band “Bring me the Horizon’s”until today however, I like the way he thinks.  And what this title means (Bollocks) in England’s terminology is basically; “Screw addiction’s political correctness”

YES!  A man after my own heart.  He does not see addiction as a disease…for him anyway.  And even better he calls for a  “celebration of depression.”  He isn’t saying that depression is great and we should all band together and pray for more of it.  No, rather he is saying feel your feelings rather than trying to chronically fend them off and repress.  We need no longer fear our feelings but rather let them flow through us.  To do that we must accept them.  I can relate!  This theory is the foundation of healing.  Maybe that is why he doesn’t see addiction as a disease because he realizes YOU CAN HEAL AND MOVE ON.

Picture this, a large Martini glass 6ft tall, green olive, plastic sword, and lots of Vodka and Vermouth.  On the rim is me in a pink tutu, doing a balancing act.   A long balancing pole and 12 meetings a week are the only thing preventing my decent into the poignant liquid by which I would get an instant intoxication followed by a 12 hour ride to the same place I left on my sobriety date ten years ago.   SCREW THE DISEASE CONCEPT sorry folks I am not buying that pig to market.  Granted, disease is a safe concept for the first oh___say 6 or 7 years of healing but after that…if I still need 4 meetings a week then I have not learned to live the program of 12 steps and have barked I mean balked at outside help.  Please allow yourself to cry all the tears you stuffed down all those years of addiction.  Yes I am saying crying for two or three years pretty regularly, share, journal, make a God box  basically allow yourself some emotional diarrhea to heal.  Your heart is not a tough girl.

Oliver Sykes

The Interview on Video SEE HERE from APTV’s Ryan J. Downey

Musician Oli Sykes speaks about his critics- “They want you to say what’s in line with what their experience is like.  They say like, “How dare you say drug addiction is not a disease.”  I am telling you, it’s NOT, that’s what I think.  Addiction is not a disease!”  says Oli Sykes, perturbed that people are offended by his own experience.  He shared how he overcame his addiction to drugs and some people were offended because he believes addiction is NOT a disease.

Band “Bring Me the Horizon’s” Oli Sykes on Depression and Inspiration from Louis C.K.

Oliver says; “People have become so scared just to be alone with their feelings and their thoughts. And I realized that, for me, a massive part in sorting myself out was accepting what I’m feeling and just sort of letting myself experience it.  the whole album’s about the celebration of depression—not saying, ‘Yeah, it’s a good thing to be depressed,’ but that it’s better to accept depression rather than trying to block out the darkness. It’s about accepting it, accepting who you are, and accepting what life is.”