“Blame”

STEP FOUR

12 STEP SOLUTIONS

Self Esteem is tied to step four along with Fear. Low self worth breeds fear of people. Page 65 of the Big Book verify’s this.

Is blame a character defect or an emotional survival skill? How about it’s both?
Blame rears its ugly head in ways that may surprise many in the realm of recovery. Blame, accusation, and just plain critical fault finding is an unhealthy survival skill for those of us who learned how to live through a life of addiction without snuffing ourselves out because of guilt.

When I neglected my daughter, neglected my health, ripped through my relationships like a title wave I needed a beast of burden per say to take the blame for the destruction that I had caused. Looking at my own baggage and character flaws at that point was too painful. I had no solutions then so why even look? I used blame in all forms to survive the emotional landslide in my heart.Now that I am clean & sober I can honestly look at my flaws because I have solutions for the landslide of emotional guilt and shame that accompanies my self-awareness. It is perfectly normal to want to bury everything that should be on a fourth step. However the emotions connected to that baggage WILL come out sideways (blame) at those we love most and those we don’t love until we get the work done!I am an emotional woman…my first thorough, and painstaking Fourth Step was 50 pages long. By doing it I found myself, it was my beginning of self-love. FEEDBACK WELCOME!

Article two:
Obviously false self worth comes by making unreasonable “comparisons” and is the failsafe method for deflecting low self esteem. Therefore anything done differently by others than my own way MUST be labelled “wrong” and “bad”. Why? So I can be “better than”.

If someone is doing something different than me it reflects that my way is wrong. Usually this syndrome is subtle and the addict is seldom aware of the ingrained process of blame which they rely on UNLESS they do a thorough fourth and fifth step and see the patterns that are revealed from within.

Listen here nobody taught us addicts how to Love ourselves or to actually build healthy self worth. This is not about being wrong or blame. It’s about recognizing patterns by doing the fourth and fifth steps. If you don’t see patterns of blame in your fourth step you have not looked. How can I say this? Because blame the the international failsafe of humans not just addicts. Blame is in everybody’s soup.

You may believe that a low opinion of yourself is both irrelevant and has little if anything to do with addiction..

Take a gander my friends at page 65 in the Big Book of AA. Look at the columns on the right side of the fourth step grid.
See “self esteem” and “fear” in brackets. Every time we are affected emotionally and triggered into DEFENSE or ATTACK mode it’s because our brittle self worth has been compromised by some comment. And the reason it’s so brittle is 1. Our fake esteem is usually attained in false ways like comparison or blame. 2. Low self worth is at the core of most addiction (for various reasons). This is why step 12 is vital. Step 12 should be done for years. Why? Each right action builds real self esteem. Like pride in a job well done. Bill W. seldom differentiated between pride and false pride. I am not sure he knew the difference. But healthy pride and renewed confidence is vital to an addict’s recovery. And being active in AA with a thorough 4th and 5th is part of building that new and real self image.